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A LEGAL PUZZLE 

A FARCICAL COMEDY 
BY 

W. A. TREMAYNE 



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DICK & FITZGERALD 

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LDICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 



A LEGAL PUZZLE 



farcical Comefcp in €J>ree %Ltt$ 



BY 

W. A. TREMAYNE 

AUTHOR OF "A RUNAWAY COUPLE," ETC. 



Copyright, 191 i, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 






OLD -23879 



Note. — The professional acting rights of this play are 
expressly reserved by the publishers, to whom theatrical 
managers, who wish to produce it, should apply. Amateur 
representation may be made without such application and 
without charge. 

A LEGAL PUZZLE. 



CHARACTERS. 



Jack Lester A young lawyer without a brief 

Capt. Samuel Barker Late of the Royal Navy 

Dr. James Sanford Lester's uncle 

Charles Jones Lester s friend, involved in a law suit 

Cyrus Smith, alias Cyril Van Smythe. .A retired chandler 

Richard Sharply Editor of the Morning Times 

Mary Barker Capt. Barkers daughter 

Harriet Smith, alias Hattie Van Smythe. .. .Cyrus' niece 

Mrs. Jennings Lester's landlady 

M'lle. Pearl Lorraine Of the Imperial Music Hall 

Mandy Servant at Mrs. Jennings 

Waiter At Royal Hotel, Brighton 

Note. — The waiter can be doubled by Sharply, Hattie by 
Mandy, and Pearl by Mrs. Jennings. 

Time. — The present. Locality. — London and Brighton, Eng- 
land. 

Time of Playing. — Two and one-half hours. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — Mrs. Jennings' boarding-house, London. Un- 
fortunate Mandy. Lester's bills. Mrs. Jennings wants 
her rent. Refusal of the assignment. Angry Captain 
Barker and angrier Dr. Sanford. The appearance of 
Lester's much-longed-for client. All off for Brighton. 

Act II. — Parlor in the Brighton Hotel. Anxiety of all 
the men to meet Mlle. Pearl, especially Lester as repre- 

3 



4 A I/egal Puzzle, 

sentative of the London Morning Times. Pearl, shamming 
illness, foils them. Lester rescues Hattie from a watery- 
grave. Van Smythe lectures Lester on the follies of youth. 
Effusive Hattie shocks her uncle. Lester assumes Van 
Smythe's legal case, unaware of his being the Smith for 
whom he is searching. Hattie and Lester walk on the 
beach and are discovered by Mary, recently arrived. Pearl 
solaces Mary. Pearl and Lester meet. She declines to be 
interviewed. While at her feet he is discovered by Mary 
and the others. 

Act III. — Lester's room in hotel. He sees Mary and her 
father. Unsatisfactory conversation. Is intruded upon by 
Van Smythe and subsequently by Jones and Dr. Sanford, 
who begin to make matters uncomfortable for him. Pearl 
beseeches him not to mail his report to his paper. He ac- 
cedes, but subsequently with it as a lever he accomplishes 
all his desires and satisfies everyone. 

COSTUMES. 

Modern, and appropriate to the characters portrayed. 
INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Cigars, lot of letters, valise for Lester. Coins, field- 
glasses and letter for Barker. Bills, papers, coins, time- 
table and letter for Sanford. Money and book for Jones. 
Coin, money, note-book, papers and letter for Smythe. 
Money for Sharply. Telegram for Mrs. Jennings. Coal- 
scuttle, tray, glasses, bundle of letters, papers, visiting card, 
time-table, valise for Mandy. Tray, glasses and cane for 
Waiter. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, 
R. means right hand, l., left hand of stage, c, center, 
r. c, right, l. c, left of center, c. d., d. r. c, and D. L. a, 
door in center, door in right center, and door in left center 
of rear flat l. 1 e., l. 2 e. and l. 3 e., first, second and third 
left entrances. R. 1 e., etc., first, second and third right 
entrances. Up, means up stage toward rear. Down, down 
stage toward footlights. 



A LEGAL PUZZLE. 



ACT I. 

SCENE. — Lester's chambers, London. A plainly furnished 
room, door in flat l. c. Door l. 2 e. Fire-place between 
r. 3 e, and r. 2 e. Table r. c. near front, chairs R. and 
L. of it. Sofa, L. Folding screen up R. Box of cigars 
on mantel-piece over fire-place. CURTAIN rises on 
empty stage. Knock heard at d. l. c, knock repeated, 
then door opens and Mandy enters. She is a very small 
specimen of a servant and very ragged. She carries 
a coal scuttle in one hand and a waiter with some empty 
glasses on it in the other and a bundle of letters and 
papers under her arm. She bursts open the door, stum- 
bles and rolls over, the glasses falling one way and the 
scuttle another, and the papers and envelopes scattering 
over the floor. She sits up c, rubbing her shin and 
looks ruefully around. 

Mrs. Jennings (off l. a). Mandy, Mandy. (A pause, 
Mandy gets up hastily, and begins to pick up lumps of coal, 
glasses and letters, turning nervously from one to the other) 
Mandy, Mandy, what's the matter? 

Mandy (redoubling her efforts to pick up letters etc.). 
Nothing, ma'am. 

ENTER Mrs. J. d. l. c. 

Mrs. J. (stopping in the doorway and staring at Mandy). 
Nothing ! ! (Mandy stops in the middle of her work and 
gazes at Mrs. J. as if transfixed) Do you know where girls 
go to who tell lies? Nothing! Why the room looks like a 
pig-sty. 

Mandy. If you please, m'am, I — I couldn't help it. 

Mrs. J. But you ought to help it. This habit of drop- 
ping things is growing on you, and it's your duty to overcome 
it. Always do your duty, Mandy. (Crosses and sits on sofa 
h. whilst Mandy picks up the coal and gathers up the letters, 

5 



6 A 1/egal "Puzzle. 

gives them a rub on her apron and places them on table R. C.) 
Look how I do my duty towards the boarders, I want you to 
do the same. 

Mandy (meekly). Yes, m'am. 

Mrs. J. (talking very loud and looking at l. 2 e.). Even 
if Mr. Lester hasn't paid his rent, don't neglect him, or 
give him cause for complaint. I don't, and be very careful 
who you admit to see him, he has an awful lot of creditors 
and no money to settle with or I am sure he would have paid 
a lone widow who has a hard struggle in this vale of tears, 
and who — (Ring at the door bell, Mandy rushes wildly 
up to d. l. c.) Mandy. (Mandy stops) Remember what I 
told you. 

Mandy. Yes, m'am. 
[EXIT Mandy d. l. c. bumping herself against the door 
post as she goes out. 

Mrs. J. (rising). I wonder if he heard that? I hope he 
did. (Crosses to table) It does people good to hear the 
truth sometimes. (Picks up some of the letters and reads 
from the envelopes) Brown and Shaw, first-class tailors. 
J. Johnson, hatter. Flax & Hyde bootmakers. Bills, bills, 
and every one of them unpaid, I'll swear. Well, if ever I 

Mandy (off l. a). It ain't no use, you can't see him, he 
ain't in, and if you don't believe me the missus will tell 
you so herself, I'll bring her down, I'll 

ENTER Mandy d. l. c. backing into the room and bumping 
herself against the post followed by Sharply. 

Sharply. Don't talk nonsense, Jack out at this time in 
the morning, such a thing was never heard of. (Seeing 
Mrs. J.) Good-morning, I want to see Mr. Lester. 

Mrs. J. I'm afraid you can't. 

Sharply. But my good woman, it's a matter of the ut- 
most importance. 

Mrs. J. That's what they all say, but he differs with 
them. 

Sharply. I don't know what you're talking about, all I 
know is that Mr. Lester 

Mrs. J. Owes you money. You ain't the only one. 

Sharply. He doesn't owe me a penny, I'm 

Mrs. J. A collector. It's all the same. 

Sharply. I'm not; if you'll only let me explain. 
(Advancing c.) 

Mrs. J. (crossing l. a). My good man, I haven't time to 



A I/egal Vvizzle. 7 

listen. I'm a hard-working woman with my household duties 
to attend to. 

Sharply. Will you tell Mr. Lester I'm here. 

Mrs. J. I can't, sir, it's against orders, but if you choose 
to leave a message or a letter. 

Sharply. I won't, I've not time. I'll rouse him myself. 
(Crosses towards l. 2 e.) 

Mrs. J. (stopping him). Excuse me, sir, you'll do no such 
thing, this is my house, Mr. Lester is my lodger, and I'll 
protect his interests even if he doesn't pay his rent. 
(Sharply tries to push past her) Don't you dare. Mandy, 
fetch a policeman. 

Mandy. Yes, ma'am. (Up to l. 2 e.) 

Sharply. Stop! (Mandy stops) Good heavens, are you 
crazy. I tell you I must see Mr. Lester. 

Mrs. J. And I tell you, you can't. 

ENTER Lester l. 2 e. 

Lester. What's the row? Halloa, Sharply, want to see 
me? 

Sharply. Yes, but you're a hard man to see, this good 
lady thinks I'm a dun. (Crosses to Lester l. Mrs. J. goes 
up c.) 

Lester. You can't blame her. Two thirds of my visiting 
list is recruited from that class of society. Her precautions 
though inconvenient are necessary, and I appreciate her 
devotion. 

Mrs. J. (advancing c. and sniffing). I always try to do 
my duty to the lodgers, and small thanks I get for it. 

Lester. True, we are an ungrateful lot, Mrs. Jennings, 
yet I feel that deep down in the bottom of every lodger's 
heart, there is a warm corner kept for you, and that I shall 
live to see you the recipient of a handsome testimonial of our 
united esteem and I shall be glad to head the list with five 
pounds. (Aside, crossing) If I can borrow it. 

Mrs. J. (flouncing up to D. l. c). I don't want a testi- 
monial, all I want is my rent when it is due, and I should 
like to get that. Come, Mandy, we must not waste our time 
here, we've work to do. 
[EXIT followed by Mandy, with usual business of bumping. 

Lester. You're playing in luck. I wish I had. I am the 
personification of idleness. Satan must have a large order 
to fill if he keeps my hands in. Sit down, Sharply, and make 
yourself at home. 



8 A I,egal Tuzzle, 

Sharply. I can't wait, I'm in a hurry. 

Lester. You shouldn't be, it's bad for your digestion. 
Have a cigar. (Crosses to mantel-piece brings over a box 
of cigars and offers them to Sharply) They're not paid 
for but that needn't spoil the flavor. (Sharply takes a 
cigar. Lester crosses to table) Excuse me half a minute, 
I'm expecting a letter. 

Sharply (sitting on sofa). You've a large mail. 

Lester. Haven't I ? Creditors are the best correspond- 
ents in the world. (Turning over letters.) 

Sharply. And as visitors? 

Lester. Indefatigable. 

Sharply. Your landlady must be a treasure in keeping 
them at bay, she defends your pocket as if it were her own. 

Lester. She wants first pickings for herself. (Selects 
letter, opens it and glances over it) Ah, all right, go ahead, 
what can I do for you? 

Sharply. I'm in a devil of a hole. 

Lester. You have my sympathy, it's chronic with me. 

Sharply. The sub-editor is sick, the sporting editor has 
broken his collar bone, and the staff of the " Morning 
Times " is demoralized generally. Will you take an assign- 
ment? 

Lester (shaking his head). I'm afraid I can't. 

Sharply (holding up letter). Why not? 

Lester. My rich uncle's coming to town. 

Sharply. Well? 

Lester. He objects to journalism. 

Sharply. What nonsense. 

Lester. I agree with you, but it's a fact. If he dis- 
covered that I was connected with a newspaper I believe 
inside of an hour he'd cut me off with the proverbial shilling. 

Sharply. Why ? 

Lester. Ten years ago he cured a patient by accident. 
The cure was not effected by scientific methods, a news- 
paper exposed him, he has never forgiven the newspaper. 
There's the matter in a nutshell. Personally I should relish 
the novelty of earning money, to say nothing of the pleasure 
of obliging you, but — (Shakes his head dubiously.) 

Sharply. Now, see here, Lester, for heaven's sake don't 
go back on me. I'm sure it's a job you'll like. 

Lester. I haven't the slightest doubt. Forbidden fruit 
always had a fascination for me. 

Sharply. Surely he'll listen to reason. 



A I^egal "Puzzle, 9 

Lester. I doubt it, it's not his nature. Anyhow, prej- 
udice aside, he holds that a gentleman should always belong 
to one of the professions, and that it is better to starve or 
live on your friends, as a lawyer or a parson, than amass 
a fortune in journalism or commerce. In me you behold a 
sacrifice to principle. 

Sharply. Bosh, the professions are overstocked. 

Lester. I know it ; I'm superfluous stock myself. (Knock 
at d. L. c.) Come in. 

ENTER Mandy, d. l. c. 

Mandy. If you please, sir, a man from Hyde and Flax, 
sir, he says he sent you an account this morning. 

Lester. I dare say, a good many gentlemen favored me 
that way. 

Mandy. And he wants the money. 

Lester. Too bad, I can't let him have it. 

Mandy. Please, sir, he says he was told to wait till he 
got it- 



Lester. Have you a furnished room to let, Mandy, he 
might take it. 

Mandy. No, sir, we're full. 

Lester. It's a pity, you'd have had a perpetual boarder. 
Well tell him I'll call to-morrow. 

Mandy. And settle the bill? 

Lester. You needn't mention that. I'll call, and we'll 
see about the money later. [EXIT Mandy, d. l. c. 

Sharply. These creditors seem to annoy you. 

Lester. They do their best. 

Sharply. Whv don't you get out of town? 

Lester. I wish I could. 

Sharply. Take the assignment, and it will take you to 
Brighton. 

Lester. Will it? (Looking ruefully at letter) Just 
what I'd like. By Jove, it's too bad. What would I have 
to do when I got there? 

Sharply. Interview Mile. Pearl Lorraine. 

Lester. What! Pearl Lorraine, the Imperial Music Hall 
Artiste? 

Sharply. The same. Night before last she broke her 
engagement and suddenly disappeared, yesterday I received 
nretty positive information that she was stopping incog, at 
the Royal Hotel, Brighton. Now I want a man of gentle- 



10 A I,egal Puzzle. 

manly appearance, good address, and unlimited assurance, 
to go down and interview her, and I think you'll fill the bill. 

Lester. Thanks. 

Sharply. If you fulfil your task, your success is assured. 
The Morning Times or any other paper will be glad to get 
you. 

Lester. But suppose I don't succeed? (Sharply shrugs 
his shoulders) Exactly, then the arithmetical problem 
presented to my mind will be, how can one young man, 
minus work, minus money, minus uncle, continue to exist? 
I confess I don't see the solution. (Knock at d. l. c.) Come 
in. 

ENTER Mandy. 

Mandy. If you please, sir, there's a man below stairs, 
wants 

Lester. Money? He can't have it. 

Mandy. No, sir, he wants to see you. 

Lester. Same thing. 

Mandy. Please, sir, he asked me to give you this. (Hold- 
ing out card.) 

Lester (taking card and reading it). Charles Jones, 
Charles Jones. 

Mandy. He writ something on the back. 

Lester (turning card over). Eh? Oh, I'd forgotten him, 
an old school fellow, show him up, Mandy. 

[EXIT Mandy d. l. c. 

Sharply (rising). Well, I'm off. 

Lester. Don't go. Stay and meet Jones. 

Sharply. Confound Jones. He won't take my assign- 
ment. 

Lester. You can't tell; he might. (Sharply crosses 
r. Mandy opens d. l. c. and shows Jones in and EXIT. 
He is a young man dressed in the height of fashion, he 
appears nervous and excited. Lester shakes hands with 
him) Halloa, Charley old boy, delighted to see you, where 
the deuce did you spring from? Haven't seen you since we 
left school, awfully good of you to look me up. 

Jones. Yes, isn't it, I mean not at all; you'll excuse me, 
I'm a little flustered. 

Lester. Don't mention it. Sit down. 

Jones (still standing). Are you a lawyer? 

Lester. I believe so. 



A I^egal Vuzzle. n 

Jones. Do you want a case? 

Lester. That's what I'm looking" for. 

Jones. It's all right. I'll give you one. 

Lester. Thanks, could you oblige me with five pounds as 
a retainer? 

Jones. Certainly. (Gives money.) 

Sharply (crossing to d. l. c). I'm going, I see you're 
busy. 

Lester (to Jones). Half a second. (Up to Sharply) 
Good-bye, awful sorry I can't oblige you. 

Sharply. Oh, that's all very well but it doesn't help me. 
Don't know what the devil I'm going to do. I don't want to 
lose Pearl, and 

Jones (who has heen nervously walking up and down). 
Excuse me one moment, will you go into the country ? 

Lester. Of course, traveling no objection. 

Jones. Could you leave for Brighton to-day? 

Lester. Eh what? Brighton, did you say? 

Jones. Yes. You — don't — mind ? 

Lester. Mind? Of course not. 

Jones. Thank you. I'm so glad you don't mind. (Down 
to sofa. Sits fidgetting with his gloves.) 

Lester (aside to Sharply). What a streak of luck, my 
boy, I'll take that assignment. 

Sharply. You will? 

Lester. Yes, kill two birds with one stone. 

Sharply. May not see you again before you leave, but 
I'll mail you instructions. (Turns to go c.) 

Lester {buttonholing him). All right — by the way could 
you let me have something on account? 

Sharply (taking out money). I suppose so. 

Lester (taking it). Thanks. Au revoir. Look out for 
the stairs. (EXIT Sharply d. l. c. Lester down to chair) 
Now, I'm at your service. Have a cigar? 

Jones. No, thank you. I'm too nervous to smoke. 

Lester. Keep cool, my boy, look at me. (Lights a cigar. 
Sits L. of table.) 

Jones. Oh, you're different. You are used to it. 

Lester (aside). That's all he knows. (Aloud) Well go 
ahead. 

Jones (on sofa). It's — it's — a very intricate case. 

Lester. Don't let that worry you, what appears difficult 
to the non-legal mind is simply child's play to the trained 
intellect. 



XZ A Legal Pussle. 

Jones. Keally? (Lester nods) Two years ago I in- 
herited a property. 

Lester. Lucky dog. 

Jones. It came to me from a namesake, Charles Jones 
of Hampshire, first cousin on my father's side. A year after, 
just as I was settling down to enjoy myself, another man — 

Lester. Came along and wanted to enjoy himself, they 
always do. 

Jones. How did you know. 

Lester. Insight of the legal mind, my boy; who was he? 

Jones. Cyrus Smith, a retired chandler, a coarse illiter- 
ate, ignorant cockney. 

Lester. How charming. 

Jones. He claimed to be first cousin to Charles Jones 
on the mother's side, and he said as the property came into 
the family through the female portion of it he had as much 
right to it as I had. 

Lester. You didn't see it in that light. 

Jones. Of course not. 

Lester. Naturally, you wouldn't. 

Jones. He wanted to divide, I declined. 

Lester. Good for you. 

Jones. He threatened a lawsuit. I defied him. He took 
action. 

Lester. Good for Smith. 

Jones. The case comes up in two months and I retain 
you. 

Lester. Good for me. 

Jones. At present, he's stopping at Brighton. 

Lester. Smith ? 

Jones. Yes. I want you to go down there, get to know 
him, spy out the weakness of the enemies' camp. In short, 
work up a case. 

Lester. I say, isn't that more a detective's work than a 
lawyer's. 

Jones (jumping up). If you don't want the case I can 
get someone else. 

Lester (seizing him and pushing him oack on sofa). Sit 
down, you're too excitable. I didn't say I didn't want it, 
I'm dying for it; I only ask for information. 

Jones. Then it's a bargain? 

Lester. Of course it is. 

Jones. That's a weight off my mind, I think I'll smoke 
now. 



A I,egal Tuzzle. 13 

Lester.' Help yourself. (Jones crosses to mantel-piece 
and takes cigar from box. Knock at d. l. c.) Come in. 

ENTER Mary Barker d. l. c. 

Mary. Jack. 

Lester. My dear girl. (Goes up to meet her.) 

Mary. I left papa at the bottom of the stairs, talking to 
an old crony, and ran ahead, he'll be up here in a minute 
and — (Seeing Jones) Oh, Jack, I thought you were 
alone. 

Lester. Don't mind him, it's only Jones, a client of 
mine. Mr. Jones, Miss Barker. 

Jones. Delighted to meet you, Miss Barker. (Nervously) 
Eh? Lovely weather — you — don't — mind my smoking, do 
you? 

Lester (cutting Mm short). Not at all, she likes it. (To 
Mary) Did you say that Captain Barker would be here in a 
few minutes ? 

Mary. Yes. 

Lester. Then you'll excuse us, Jones. (Wheeling chair 
in front of fire-place and pushing Jones into it) Sit down, 
make yourself at home. (Wheels screen from R. and places 
it round Jones, looking over the top) The cigars are on the 
mantel-piece. (Crosses to Mary) My dear Mary, this is 
an unexpected pleasure, and you are looking so well. 

Mary. It's from seeing you, Jack. 

Lester. You darling. (Makes as though he were going to 
kiss her, stops, crosses back to R., peeps over the screen, 
crosses back, kisses her and sits with her on sofa L.) 

Mary. It's been so lonely in the country without you. 

Lester. Has it really? 

Mary. Yes, and papa has been so cross and cranky. 

Lester. More so than usual ? (Mary nods her head) He 
must have been lively. 

Mary. And then he was away half the time, running up 
to London every two or three days, and when he came back 
he was worse than ever. 

Lester (aside). Wonder what the old boy's up to? 

Mary. And do you know, Jack, (looking towards the 
screen and then drawing close to Lester and whispering in 
his ear) just before we left town papa took to stopping out 
late at night, (Lester whistles) and drinking a great deal 
more than was good for him. 



14 A I^egal Pussle. 

Lester (aside). He's getting reckless. (Aloud) That's 
too bad, Mary, I must reason with him. 

Mary. I wish you would. 

Lester (aside). I think I see myself. How's my re- 
spected uncle. (Mary gives a little sigh and shahes her 
head) Also the same as usual? 

Mary. Yes. 

Lester. Poor little girl, you must have had a hard time. 
(Kisses her again after looking towards the screen.) 

Mary. I had, but I don't mind it now. (Laying her head 
on his shoulder. Another hiss.) 

Capt. Barker (heard outside d. l. a). Confound you, get 
out of my way. What do you mean by it? (ENTER d. l. c. 
then turns round and shouts) I'll have you discharged. 
Halloa, Lester, what the devil do you mean by this? Setting 
a half starved slavey to tell me that I can't see you — you, 
who are to be my son-in-law some day, worse luck. Why 
can't I see you? 

Lester (rising and crossing to him). How are you, my 
dear captain? Glad to see you, sit down. 

Barker. I won't sit down. I've been insulted by a 
slavey. I, Captain Barker, late of his majesty's Eoyal Navy. 
She took me for a bailiff. 

Lester. She's near-sighted. It's all a mistake. 

Barker. Damme, sir, they shouldn't make mistakes, we 
don't pay them for that, we pay them to do their duty, by 
George, I'd make 'em do it. 

Lester. Ah, my dear captain, but then everybody doesn't 
possess your capacity for discipline. 

Barker. You're right, sir, right for once, they haven't, 
and the world would be a devilish sight better place if they 
had. (Throws himself into chair R. c. very much out of 
hreath) Bah, what do you live in such an infernal sky 
parlor for? It's harder work getting up here than it is to 
climb to the mast head. 

Lester. Economy, my dear captain, sky parlors come 
cheap. 

Barker. You'd find them dear, sir, if I had a fit of 
apoplexy — Why do you want to live cheaply? Why don't 
you make money? 

Lester. If that's a conundrum, I give it up. I'm afraid 
law's overstocked, and 

Barker. Pooh, nonsense! You want some of my energy, 
I'd get clients. 



A I^egal Pufcsle. IS 

Lester. How? We don't possess a legal press-gang, we 
can't kidnap them. 

Mary. I'm sure Jack does his best. 

Barker. Are you? Then you've more trust in him than 
I have. He never earned a penny in his life and I don't 
believe he ever will. 

Lester. Now that's just where you're wrong. 

Barker. Wrong, sir? Prove it, prove it. 

Lester. I will. At this very moment 

ENTER Sanford, l. Very excited. 

Sanpord. Upon my word, Jack, this is too bad. 

Lester (aside). Another! (Rushing up to him and 
shaking him violently by the hand) My dear uncle, so de- 
lighted to see you, how are you after your trip to the 
country? Sit down. 

Sanford. Hang it, sir, don't talk to me, I won't have it. 

Lester. Don't get excited, uncle, as a medical man you 
must know it's bad for you. 

Sanford. Excited! I can't help it. You would try the 
patience of a saint; but it's got to stop. 

Lester. What ? 

Sanford. Everything. 

Lester. Isn't that a rather large order? 

Sanford. Don't be ridiculous. I mean your evil courses 
have got to stop. I've had enough of them. 

Barker (aside). I'm sure I have, 

Sanford. I can allow for sowing a few wild oats, but 
hang it, sir, I believe you have sown one crop and started in 
on another. Do you know what this is, and this and this. 
(Drawing some papers from his pocket and holding them up 
before Lester.) 

Lester (examining them critically from a distance). 
They look like bills. 

Sanford. They are bills, sir, your bills, and every one of 
them unpaid. Eresh proofs of your extravagance. I settled 
them and for the last time. If you incur any more, you can 
settle them yourself, and if you don't turn over a new leaf 
and work like an honest man, I've done with you. 

Mary. Oh, Dr. Sanford, don't be too hard on him. 

Sanford. My dear Miss Barker, don't you interfere in 
matters which you do not understand. 

Barker, No, miss, don't you put your oar in where it's 



%6 A I/egal Pussle. 

not wanted; little girls should be seen and not heard. This 
young man wants a talking to and he's going to get it, 

Lester (aside). What a delightful prospect. 

Barker. You heard what your uncle said, sir? (Lester 
hows) Now you shall hear what I've got to say. 

Lester. Charmed, I'm sure. 

Barker. If you don't settle down to work, and get some 
clients, make some money, and move to some place that is 
more commodious for your friends than this confounded 
cock-loft, I revoke my consent to your engagement with my 
daughter. 

Mary. Oh, papa! 

Barker. Don't you interfere, miss — that, sir, is my ult- 
imatum. (Up to Lester r.) 

Sanford. And you know mine, too, sir. (Up to Lester l.) 

Lester (assuming a dignified air). Captain Barker, Dr. 
Sanford, your language is intemperate; were I not with- 
held by motives of friendship, I might almost say actionable. 

Barker. Confound your impudence. 

Lester. I do wish you'd keep cool and sit down. I was 
just going to say that no doubt you think you have cause 
for justifiable anger. 

Sanford. Think? I should say so. (Holding up bills.) 

Lester (again regarding them critically). The docu- 
mentary evidence is undeniably strong, but not conclusive, 
you are mistaken. 

Sanford. Mistaken ! 

Lester. Now, do keep cool. You accuse me of idleness, 
of dissipation, of want of attention to business. 

Barker. Of want of business to attend to. 

Lester. We won't quarrel over a phrase, either way you 
are wrong. In times past I may have had my weaknesses, 
we all have, but now I am no longer idle, I am no longer 
dissipated, I attend to my business, and I have a business to 
attend to, in short I have a client. 

!= U client* 

Barker*. Where is he? 

Lester. Here! (Pushes aside the screen and discovers 
Jones smohing, he jumps up suddenly, upsets the screen and 
stands the picture of confusion) Allow me to introduce 
you to Mr. Charles Jones, Captain Barker, Dr. Sanford. 

Jones. How do you do — delighted I'm sure — a — lovely 
weather. 



A I^egal "Puzzle. 17 

Lester. Mr. Jones is the defendant in a difficult and 
intricate law suit, involving an immense fortune and a 
beautiful estate in — ■ (Aside to Jones) Where the devil 
did you say that estate is? 

Jones (aside to Lester). Hampshire. 

Lester (aloud). In Hampshire. And wishing to obtain 
sound legal advice and support, he thought he could not do 
better than place the case in the hands of his old friend and 
schoolfellow, Jack Lester. May I, with all modesty, say that 
I entirely agree with him. 

Mary (running up to Lester, taking his hand and putting 
her other hand upon his shoulder). Oh, Jack, I'm so glad. 
I always knew you'd do well if they'd only give you half a 
chance. 

Lester. You are a girl of extraordinary penetration. 
(Aside) I've got a whole chance and I mean to make the 
most of it. 

Sanford (going up to Lester and shaking him by the 
hand). My dear nephew, I congratulate you. I am sorry I 
said anything hasty, I was excited. 

Lester. Yes, I asked you to keep cool. 

Sanford. I hope this case will only be the forerunner of 
others. 

Lester. So do I. 

Barker (to Lester r.). My boy, I congratulate you. 

Lester (aside). What a change in the weather. 

Barker. And I hope that as in law you get nearer the 
top of the tree, in lodgings you will get nearer the ground 
floor. 

Lester. Thank you, gentlemen, I hope you won't think me 
inhospitable, but really I'll have to ask you to excuse me. 
I've a great deal to do, my valise to pack, my 

Sanford. Why, where are you going? 

Lester. Oh, didn't I tell you? Of course not, I forgot. 
The exigencies of the case necessitate my leaving for the 
country this afternoon. (Knock at d. l. c.) Come in. 

ENTER Mandy d. l. c. 

Mandy. 'Scuse me, sir, but is there a gentleman here 
called Captain Barker? 

Barker. Yes. 

Mandy. Well a boy brought this letter from your house 
and said it was important. 

Barker. Yes, yes, (Taking letter) I expected it. Ladies 



i8 A I/egal Vuzzle. 

and gentlemen, an important business letter, will you excuse 
me? 

Lester. Don't mention it. (Barker down to chair r. 
Jones and Lester converse together c. Mary and Sanford 
down l. Barker opens letter nervously and glances over it) 
Ah, good. Here, girl, come here. (Mandy advances as if 
scared) You're a good girl, there's a shilling for you. 

Mandy (with a how). Thank you, sir. 

Barker. Now, run and get me a London & Brighton time- 
table just as quickly as you can. 

Mandy. Yes, sir. [EXIT d. l. c. 

(Barker slaps his hand against his thigh, makes up his 
mouth as if to whistle, stops and breaks into a hoarse 
chuckle. Lester leaves Jones and goes to Mary c. 
Jones down to Captain Barker as if to speak to him, just 
as he reaches him, he gives another chuckle, extra loud, 
Jones starts back alarmed and goes to mantel-piece R.) 

Mary. I'm sorry you've got to go away, dear, but I 
mustn't be selfish. It's for your good and you'll be making 
money. 

Lester (softly). For you. 

ENTER Mrs. Jennings d. l. c. with a telegram in her hand. 
She goes down to Sanford l. 

Mrs. J. A telegram, Dr. Sanford, which a boy has just 
brought from your house. 

Sanford. Eh? A telegram? (Putting on his eye-glasses) 
Lord bless my soul. (In a preoccupied manner fumbling 
with the telegram) There's a shilling. 

Mrs. J. (drawing herself up indignantly). Sir! 

Sanford. Eh? Oh, I beg your pardon, I forgot, I meant 
to say thank you. 

Mrs. J. No need, sir; the telegram came, the servant was 
out, it was my duty to bring the telegram, I always do my 
duty, and all I ask in return is my just dues, sometimes I 
get 'em, sometimes, (with a look at Lester) I don't. 
(Flounces out d. l. c.) 

Sanford (half to himself). Dear me, dear me, how very 
sudden, what the deuce did I do with that time-table ? (Feels 
in his pockets and at last brings out a time-table.) 

ENTER Mandy d. l. c. 

Mandy (down to Barker r.), 'Ere's yer time-table, sir. 



A I^egal Ttizzle, 19 

Barker. Thank you. (Takes it. Barker and Sanford 
eagerly consult time-tables.) 

Lester. Mandy. 

Mandy. Yes, sir. 

Lester. Just run into my room and get my valise ready, 
I'll be with you in a moment. 

Mandy. All right, sir. [EXIT l. 2 e. 

-d f (together looking at their watches). Just the 

thing, I'll catch the 12.30 train for Brighton. 

Barker. I say, Sanford, this letter calls me away on per- 
sonal business; I'll leave Mary in your charge. 

Sanford. My dear Barker, you mustn't do anything of 
the kind, this telegram calls me away on most important 
professional business, I've only fifteen minutes to catch the 
train. 

Barker. Confound it, sir, I've only fifteen minutes to 
catch the train. Surely you can see her home. 

Sanford. I can't. 

Barker. I won't. 

Mandy (stumbling in at L. 2 e. with valise in her hand). 
Valise is ready, sir. 

Lester. All right, good-bye, Mary dear. (Kisses her.) 

Sanford. My dear Jack, Captain Barker and I are called 
away upon important business, we leave Mary in your 
charge. You'll see her home. 

Lester. Impossible. 

Barker. Why ? 

Lester. Because I've only fifteen minutes left. 

Sanford. What for? 

Lester. To catch the 12.30 train for Brighton. 

(Barker drops into a chair r., Sanford on sofa l., Mandy near 
d. l. rubbing her shin. Lester c. holding Mary's hand. 
Jones by mantel-piece r.) 



QUICK CURTAIN. 



A Legal "Puzzle. 



- act n. 

SCENE. — Parlor in Hotel at Brighton. Doors R. 1 E. and 
r. 2 e. Staircase r. 3 e. Glass doom c. loolcing out on 
verandah with sea view backing. Doors L. 1 e., l. 2 e., 
and l. 3 e. Sofa c. Small table up l. near back. 
Settee up R. c. chairs etc. about. As curtain rises waiter 
ENTERS down staircase r. 3 e. with a tray on which 
are some empty glasses; as he reaches the bottom of 
staircase and is about to cross l. bell rings in room, 
L. 2 e. crosses to that door and knocks. 

Pearl (inside). Waiter. 

Waiter. Yes'm. (Door r. 2 e. opens and Barker puts out 
his head and listens.) 

Pearl. Has the doctor come yet? 

Waiter. ^ No, m'am. (Door r. 1 e. opens and Van Smythe 
puts out his head and listens.) 

Pearl. How tiresome. You're sure you sent that note? 

Waiter. Quite sure, m'am. (Barker and Van Smythe 
strain their necks to catch what is being said, become 
conscious of each other's presence, draw in their heads ex- 
claiming "Bahl" and slam the doors.) 

Pearl. Well, the moment he arrives, be sure and send him 
up. 

Waiter. Yes'm. (Pause) Anything more, m'am? 

Pearl. No. (Waiter turns up stage to l. 3. Door R. 2 e. 
opens and Barker puts his head out cautiously.) 

Barker (in a hoarse whisper). Waiter. (Waiter turns 
round, Barker beckons him to come down. Waiter crosses 
to him to door r. 2 e. All the time he is speaking he keeps 
looking over his shoulder, eying door r. 1 e. nervously) How 
is Mile. Pearl this morning. 

Waiter. No better, sir. 

Barker. Too bad. Did you send up my card? 

Waiter. Yes, sir. 

Barker. Did she say anything? 

Waiter. No, sir. 

Barker. That's strange. 

Waiter. Yes, sir. 

Barker. And she's seeing no one? 



A I^egal "Puzzle. ZX 

Waiter. No one, sir, except the doctor. 

Barker. Damn the doctor. 

Waiter. Yes, sir. 

Barker {taking a shilling from his pocket and giving it 
to waiter). Be sure and let me know the moment she is 
convalescent. 

Waiter. Yes, sir, thank you, sir. (Captain Barker retires 
into room r. 2 e. Door r. 1 e. opens and Van Smythe puts 
his head out cautiously looking round.) 

Van S. (in a high-pitched voice). Waiter. (Waiter 
turns. Van S. beckons mysteriously, Waiter crosses to door 
r. 1 e.) How — how is Mile. Pearl? 

Waiter. No better, sir. 

Van S. Dear me, dear me. Did you send up my card ? 

Waiter. Yes, sir. 

Van S. And the flowers? 

Waiter. Yes, sir. 

Van S. What — what — did she say? 

Waiter. Said she was much obliged. 

Van S. Did she though? Eeally? Much obliged, eh! 
That was very kind. (Pulls out a crown and gives it to 
Waiter.) 

Waiter. Thank you, sir. 

Van S. (looking over his shoulder and taking Waiter by 
the arm confidentially). Our friend (pointing his thumb 
over his shoulder to r. 2 e.) Has he sent up his card? 

Waiter. Yes, sir. 

Van. S. And some flowers? 

Waiter. No, sir. 

Van S. Ah, so she wasn't obliged to him? 

Waiter. No, sir. 

Van S. What a fool, what a fool, he doesn't know how 
to take the ladies, does he, eh ? (Pokes Waiter facetiously in 
the ribs) We know a trick worth two of that, smooth the 
way with a little present first, and then — (Shakes his head, 
winks at the Waiter knowingly, and with an air of import- 
ance sticks his thumbs in his waistcoat armholes) Eh! 
Waiter? (Waiter grins) Be sure and let me know as soon 
as she is convalescent and I won't forget you. 
[EXIT r. 1 e., Waiter turns toward l. 3 e. and meets Dr. 

Sanford who ENTEES there. 

Dr. S. Waiter, I am Dr. Sanford, show me to Mile. 
Pearl Lorraine's room at once. 



m A %egkl Puzzle* 

Waiter. Eight here, sir. (Goes to door l. 2 e. followed 
by Doctor S. Van S. and Barker poke their heads out of 
their respective rooms to listen, Waiter stands so as to cover 
Dr. S. from view.) 

Dr. S. Thank you — , I am so sorry I could not come 
earlier, I only received Mile. Pearl's note a few minutes 
ago, I hope she's not worse? 

Pearl (inside). Is that you, doctor? 

Dr. S. Yes, my dear madam. 

Pearl (in a faint voice). Come in. (EXIT Dr. S. l. 2 e. 
When he is gone Van. S. and Barker become aware of each 
other, both exclaim " Bah " and slam their doors. Waiter 
again starts for l. 3 e. Lester descends step from r. 3 e. and 
comes c.) 

Lester. Waiter. (Waiter pauses, Lester beckons to him 
and he comes down stage to sofa c. where Lester sits) 
How is Mile. Pearl this morning? 

Waiter. No better, sir. 

Lester. You sent up my card? 

Waiter. Yes, sir. 

Lester. And message? 

Waiter. Yes, sir. 

Lester. And she sent no answer? 

Waiter. No, sir. 

Lester. Strange. You're quite sure that she fully grasped 
the fact that I represent the Morning Times, not the Even- 
ing Times or the Afternoon Times, or any other out-of-date 
back-number, one-horse paper, but THE Morning Times, 
whose social and political interest is so great and its circu- 
lation so enormous, that crowned heads, prime ministers, 
and financial speculators have actually begged to be inter- 
viewed, in order to obtain admission to its columns. Do 
you think she fully realized that? 

Waiter (hesitating). Y — e — s, sir, I — think so. 

Lester. And she never said a word? She must be ill. 
See if there are any letters in the office for me. (Waiter 
turns to go) By the way have you discovered any one else 
bearing the name of Smith? 

Waiter. No, sir, except them as I told you of. 

Lester. Yes, yes, I know, butchers, bakers, hod-carriers, 
common every-day sort of people, they won't do, I want a 
Smith that lives like— a gentleman, flings pounds round 
like pennies, may be little loose in the matter of grammar, 
but he's rich and we call it eccentricity of genius. 



A Xegal Pussle. 23 

Waiter. Sure it ain't Van Smythe, sir, old gentleman as 
has that room? (Pointing to r. 1 e.) 

Lester. Oh, dear no, he doesn't fill the bill at all, besides 
he has a niece, I don't think my Smith has, at least she 
didn't figure in the items of description. Well, never mind, 
keep your eyes and ears open, and if you can produce the 
Smith I want, I'll not forget you. Now, see about those 

Waiter. All right, sir. [EXIT l. 3 e. 

Lester (lighting a cigar). Well, I've had a very pleasant 
week at Brighton at other people's expense. Two days ago 
I had the good fortune to rescue a charming young lady 
from a watery grave or a bad ducking, and on the strength 
of the acquaintance just formed have started an interesting 
flirtation. So far I've enjoyed myself immensely, but I 
haven't done what I came down to do. Mile. Pearl still de- 
clines to be interviewed, while if Smith really is in Brighton, 
he has most successfully concealed his identity. I am 
afraid my trip will come to an untimely end and my 
employers will object to pay the bill, yet what can I do? 
I might fake an interview but I can't fake Smith. 

ENTER Waiter, door l. 3 e. comes down c. with two letters 
which he hands to Leste ;. 

Waiter. Two letters, sir. 

Lester (taking them). Thanks. 

Waiter. Any thing else, sir. 

Lester. Smith, when you get him, that's all. (EXIT 
Waiter l. 3 e. Lester takes up letters and looks at them) 
From Mary. (Opening one) Poor little girl, I suppose she's 
having a pretty hard time in some London lodging-house, 
humoring the whims of that whiskey-drinking old sea dog, 
whilst I'm enjoying myself and flirting with another woman. 
What selfish beasts men are. (Glancing at letter) Unjust as 
I thought, only sea dog is absent and an aunt is doing duty 
instead — from the discription she must be a pleasant party 
to live with. (Opens second letter) From Jones, " Getting 
anxious " — No wonder. " Why don't I report ? " — Nothing 
to say — " Why don't I find Smith ? " I wish to heaven 
I could. It's getting warm here. Letter from Sharply 
yesterday raising the devil because I hadn't interviewed 
Pearl. 



24 A I^egal Puzzle. 

ENTEK Van. Smythe r. 1 b. 

Van S. Good-morning, Mr. Lester. 

Lester. Good-morning, how are you? 

Van S. Never better. 

Lester (still glancing over letter). That's good. 

Van S. I know how to take care of myself. 

Lester. You're lucky. 

Van S. Yes, I flatter myself I know how to look after 
my own interests in health and pocket, but I was young 
once. 

Lester. Yes, I suppose so, a long time ago. 

Van S. (rather offended). Not so long ago but that I 
can still feel for the follies of youth, and when I see a young 
man taking the wrong road, I can tell the symptoms at once. 

Lester. Ah, set a thief to catch a thief. 

Van S. I hold out a hand to stop him on his downward 
course and from my store of experience I offer him advice. 

Lester. Put on a moral air-brake so to speak? That's 
awfully good of you. Have a cigar. (Takes one from his 
pocket and gives it to Van S.) 

Van S. (lighting it). Thank you. Young man I take a 
deep interest in you. 

Lester. Thanks. 

Van S. May I give you some advice? 

Lester. Why of course, give me anything you want. I 
never look a gift horse in the mouth. 

Van S. (solemnly). Mr. Lester, you are on the road to 
perdition. 

Lester. Going to the devil, eh? What makes you think 
so? Oh, I forgot, traveled the same road yourself. 

Van S. Never mind what I did, sir, but when I see a 
young man wasting his time and money on a woman older 
than himself, in a different social station, whose life and 
surroundings are 

Lester. Say, what the devil are you talking about? 

Van S. Mile. Pearl. 

Lester. What! (Goes off in a fit of laughter.) 

Van S. It's no laughing matter. 

Lester (recovering himself). I beg your pardon, but I 
don't even know the lady. 

Van S. But you want to? 

Lester. Simply from business motives. 

Van S. Young man, I've heard that before.^ 



A I^egal Pussle. 25 

Lester. But it's true. I came down here as special 
correspondent for the Morning Times to interview her upon 
her recent mysterious disappearance from the bill at the 
Imperial, but she won't be interviewed. 

Van S. And you do not love her? 

Lester {laughing and then checking himself). No. 

Van S. Strange. (Rises and walks up and down with 
his hands behind him, then pauses in front of Lester) 
Have you ever seen her perform ? 

Lester. Frequently. 

Van S. (executing a clumsy imitation of a hallet dancer's 
kick). Seen her do the corkscrew kick? 

Lester. Yes. 

Van S. (looking at him with an air of bewilderment). 
And yet, you do not love her? 

Lester (shaking his head). No. 

Van S. My boy, I am proud to know you. (Shaking 
him, violently by the hand) To resist the seductions of such 
charms as those argues a determination, a strength of will, 
an integrity of purpose seldom to be met with. (Sitting 
beside Lester) But you are right, the feverish heat of the 
theatre is not the atmosphere for youth, you want to cultivate 
the domestic joys of home; to marry and settle down. Some- 
thing young and fresh and innocent. (A slight pause) 
You have met my niece Hattie? 

Lester. Why, does she fill the bill? 

Van S. My dear sir, how could you think me so lacking 
in delicacy as to suggest such a thing? But speaking of 
youth and innocence naturally recalled her. 

Lester. Exactly. Oh, yes, I've met her. Had the good 
fortune to render her a small service. 

Van S. To be sure, you rescued her from drowning. 

Lester. Did she tell you? 

Van S. No, but it happens so often. 

Lester. Eh ? 

Van S. I mean that sort of thing at the seaside, don't 
you know? Foolish girls, in-coming tides, and out-going 
ebbs, and undertows, and 

Lester. Oh, I see. Well, it was lucky for me that the 
the foolish girl, happened to be such a charming young 
lady as your niece. 

Van S. Ah, yes, she is charming, isn't she? (Aside) 
If he only knew her. (Aloud) And not so poor either, 
she is my nearest relative, and when I die she'll be rich 



26 A %egal Puzzle, 

as well as charming, and that's what you mercenary young 
dogs are looking for now-a-days. (ENTER Hattie d. c. 
She is a pretty young girl and has a big rent in the front of 
her dress and wears an old straw hat. She has a field-glass 
in her hand which she deposits on small table l. and comes 
down on tiptoe behind Van Smythe, and listens) Oh, the 
man who gets my Hattie will get a treasure. 

Hattie (throwing her arms round Van S. and hugging 
him violently). You old darling! 

Van S. (half choked and freeing himself from Hattie's 
grasp). God bless my soul, how can you startle one like 
that? You shouldn't do it, you know. How often have I 
told you 

Hattie (shaking her finger at him). Now, uncle, dont 
scold your treasure. Good-morning, Mr. Lester. 

Lester (rising). Good-morning Miss Van Smythe. 
(Van S. rises and comes down r. glowering at Hattie, who 
throvis herself on the sofa c. in an easy attitude.) 

Hattie. How lazy you folks are, lying in bed till goodness 
knows what hour, and then sitting round a hotel reading and 
smoking. Why I've been out since six o'clock roaming 
around, oh, everywhere. 

Van S. (who has been regarding Hattie's attitude with 
horror and trying to attract her attention by coughing, in 
a sharp tone). Hattie! 

Hattie. (curling up comfortably on the sofa). Eh? 

Van S. (trying to assume a mild tone). Allow me to 
observe that your present attitude is to say the least 

Hattie (interrupting). Comfortable. You know my 
principles, uncle, " Take it easy while you can." Isn't that 
right, Mr. Lester? 

Lester. My own sentiments, exactly. 

Hattie. You never know how long it may last. 

Lester. You never do. 

Van S. (examining Hattie's dress through his glasses). 
What is the matter with your dress ? 

Hattie. Torn. 

Van S. I see that, but how did you do it? 

Hattie. Climbing, foot slipped, came a cropper, dress 
caught, result — (Holding open tear. Van S. turns up stage 
groaning.) 

Lester. I hope you didn't hurt yourself? 

Hattie. Bruised my knee a bit, that's all. 

Van S. (with a gasp). Hattie! 



A fcegal Puzzle. 27 

Hattie. What's the matter? 

Van S. How — er — how can you mention such a thing. 

Hattie. Doesn't hurt as bad as doing it. (Making a 
grimace and rubbing her knee) It'll be black and blue in 
the morning. 

Van S. Good heavens! Stop. It's awful. 

Hattie. I know it is, if it was yours you'd be limping. 

Van S. (aside). Oh, she'll ruin her prospects. (Aloud) 
My dear, what must Mr. Lester think of you? 

Hattie. Don't know — (Looking saucily at Lester) 
don't care. (Van S. sits hopelessly on settee r. c.) 

Lester (bowing elaborately). Thoughts of Miss Van 
Smythe must always be charming. 

Hattie (half lying on the sofa and regarding Lester 
critically). Do you know you really can say a pretty thing 
when you want to ? But I don't believe you a bit. (Nursing 
her knee and shaking her head) You're l humbug like the 
rest of them. 

Lester. Kest of whom? 

Hattie. Men. You're all liars. (Van S. springs up as 
if about to expostulate and then sits down again in despair) 
Now don't deny it. 

Lester. I don't intend to, it's my trade. 

Hattie. Your trade? Oh, yes, you're a newspaper man. 

Lester. And a lawyer. Guilty on two counts. 

Hattie (jumping up). A lawyer? (Lester bows) Uncle! 
(Running over to Van S., taking him by the shoulder and 
shaking him) Do you hear? Mr. Lester is a lawyer. 
Now's your chance. 

Van S. (aside to her). And yours if you only knew it. 
(Advancing to Lester) Are you really a lawyer? 

Lester. I am. 

Van S. Can you undertake a case for me? 

Lester. Certainly, that is if it does not clash with my 
other engagements. (Taking out a note-book) When does 
it come off? 

Van S. Two months from now. 

Lester (pretending to consult his note-book). I'm your 
man. 

Van S. I think it right to inform you that several lawyers 
have refused it. 

Lester. All the fools aren't dead yet. 

Van S. Perhaps when you hear all the details you will 
refuse it. 



28 A Legal Puzzle. 

Lester. No sir, I'll stick by you till your last penny is 
gone. Could you advance me five pounds as a retainer? 

Van S. Of course. (Gives money.) 

Lester. Thanks. (Taking it.) 

Van S. It is an intricate case. 

Lester. Don't let that worry you. Difficulties which to 
the non-legal mind appear as insurmountable, melt like snow 
in the noonday sun before the legal intellect. 

Van S. Eeally? 

Lester. Invariably. 

Van S. Dear me. Well, you see. (Takes out a note-book 
and refers to it.) 

Hattie. I'm off. 

Lester. Oh, don't let us frighten you away. 

Hattie. My dear Mr. Lester, it's your business to listen to 
cases, it isn't mine, and when you've heard as much of this 
one as I have, I'll guess you'll skip anyway. 

Van S. (reprovingly). Hattie. (Pearl's bell rings 
l. 2 e.) 

Hattie. Oh, you know it's true; besides, I must change 
my dress. (To Lester) If you want a walk to freshen up 
that legal intellect a bit, we'll take one on the ^each bye and 
bye. 

Lester. Delighted. 

Hattie. All right. Bye-bye, wish you joy. (Makes a 
grimace at Van S., kisses her hand to Lester and EXITS 
upstairs R. U. E.) 

ENTER Waiter l. 3 e., comes to l. 2 e. and knocks. 

Pearl (inside). Come in. [EXIT Waiter l. 2 e. 

Van S. (looks after Hattie, and then doubtfully at 
Lester). I hope you won't judge my little girl too harshly. 
Exuberance of youthful spirits you know, and — and 

Lester. Oh, don't mention it. I like it. 

Van S. Do you? Well, tastes differ. My ideas of pro- 
priety are strict. 

Lester. Humbug. (Glances at Van S. and then over 
his shoulder at Pearl's door.) 

Van S. For the young. 

Lester. Oh ! 

Van S. I inherit them from my Dutch ancestors. 

Lester. Your what? 

Van S. My Dutch ancestors. Van Smythes, old Dutch 
family, came over with William of Orange. 



A Legal Puszle. 29 

Lester. You don't say so? 

Van S. Yes, some day I'll show you our genealogical tree, 
and the history of the Van Smythes, compiled by 

Lester. Delighted. But don't you think we'd better get 
to business? 

Van S. Quite true, quite true. {Seating himself beside 
Lester on sofa c. taking out note-book and some papers and 
putting on his glasses) Well, you see — (Waiter ENTERS 
from Pearl's room l. 2 e. and stands at a respectful distance 
behind Van S. and Lester and coughs) You see, ah, yes, 
as I was saying — (Waiter coughs again) Eh? Did you 
want to see me? 

Waiter. If you please, sir. 

Van S. One moment, Mr. Lester. (Lester bows. Van 
S. up with Waiter r. c.) Well? 

Waiter. The doctor has ordered Mile. Pearl champagne 
and I thought you might like 

Van S. To be sure, to be sure, a bottle of the best with 
my compliments. 

Waiter. And the flowers are looking wilted, sir. 

Van S. Dear me, dear me, I must go and get some fresh 
ones at once. 

Waiter. Can't I get 'em for you, sir? 

Van S. No, no — er — in such a delicate matter as this I 
could not trust to another. Flowers can be made to express 
so much when you know the language. You are a good 
fellow. Remember, the best champagne. (Slipping money 
into the Waiter's hand.) 

Waiter. Thank you, sir. 

Van S. My hat and cane. 

Waiter. Yes, sir. [EXIT r. 1 e. 

Van S. (down to Lester a). Mr. Lester, will you excuse 
me? Important business — I will see you later — very sorry — 
circumstances over which I've no control — you understand? 

Lester. Oh, don't mention it; I am entirely at your 
service. 

Van S. So good of you to say so. (ENTER Waiter with 
hat and stick, which he gives to Van S.) Thank you. (Up 
to D. c.) Waiter, make another report when I come back — 
and waiter, (Almost whispering) Keep your eye on that 
confounded doctor. fEXIT hurriedly d. c, Waiter l. 3 e. 

Lester (looking after Van S.) Mile. Pearl of course, 
he's hard hit. No fool like an old fool, it's a true saying. 



30 A I/egal Pussle. 

ENTER Hattie on staircase, she comes halfway down and 
leans over the banisters. 

Hattie. Mr. Lester. (Lester turns) How's the case 
going on? 

Lester. It's gone off for the present, at least your uncle 
has. 

Hattie. Where's he gone to? 

Lester. I don't know. He said that circumstances over 
which he'd no control 

Hattie. Oh! That means the actress. 

Lester (pretending innocence). The actress? 

Hattie. Yes. Now don't you pretend to be innocent, be- 
cause it doesn't go worth a penny. You know all about 
uncle's little game and so do I. I don't mind, he's a bit 
old for that sort of thing 

Lester. A trifle. 

Hattie. But we all like to have our fun. I've been spoony 
myself, besides I've seen her dance, and isn't she lovely? 

Lester. Did you see her do the corkscrew kick that so 
fascinated your elderly relative? 

Hattie (nodding). Er — er, and I tried it myself after- 
wards but it didn't work. 

Lester. Ah, Miss Hattie, you don't need a corkscrew kick 
to enhance your charms, your youth and beauty, your fresh- 
ness and innocence 

Hattie. Say, are you going to get spoony on me? 

Lester (disconcerted). Well, that was the idea. 

Hattie. Very, very spoony? 

Lester. I shouldn't wonder. 

Hattie. All right, go ahead, I don't mind it. 

Lester. Don't you really? 

Hattie. No, I like it. (Down to sofa c.) You can sit 
beside me. (Lester sits) Oh, closer than that. (Lester 
moves closer) You may hold my hand. 

Lester (talcing her hand). Thank you. 

Hattie. You may put your arm round my waist if you 
want to. 

Lester. Why certainly. (Puts arm round her waist.) 

ENTER Dr. Sanford l. 2 e., sees Lester and Hattie and 
pauses a moment in astonishment. 

Hattie. And — (Pauses as if to consider) I guess you 
can kiss me. (Lester hisses her. Sanford raises his eyes 



A I/egal Puzzle. 31 

and hands in horror and EXIT l. 3 e.) Oh, we'll have a 
lovely time. 

Lester (aside). Well, if this isn't rapid. 

Hattie. You can take me for moonlight strolls upon the 
beach. 

Lester. Yes. 

Hattie. You can quote poetry to me. 

Lester. Yes. 

Hattie. And you can buy me all the ice cream and 
caramels I want. 

Lester. Yes. (Aside) Oh, I'll not do a thing to my 
expense account. 

Hattie. But it won't come to much. 

Lester. Won't it? I thought that ice cream and 
caramels 

Hattie. Oh, I don't mean that, I mean, I can never 
marry you. 

Lester. Well, I haven't asked you yet. 

Hattie. No, but you might, and I thought I'd break it to 
you gently. 

Lester. You're awfully good. How do you break things 
suddenly ? 

Hattie. Eh? 

Lester. Nothing. May I ask why you are so set against 
putting a climax to my happiness? 

Hattie (drawing away from him). Because there is only 
one man in the world that I will marry. 

Lester. May I ask who the favored individual is? 

Hattie. Charlie. 

Lester. I beg your pardon ? 

Hattie. Charlie. (Lester looks perplexed) I don't 
know his other name, he didn't tell me he's so bashful. 

Lester. That's all right. You'll marry him. 

Hattie. Why ? 

Lester. Opposites always mate. 

Hattie. I only saw him once; but I've never forgotten 
him. 

Lester. Happy Charlie. 

Hattie. It was one day last summer I was bathing and 
had waded to some rocks quite a distance from the shore. 
I had forgotten it was time for the tide to come in suddenly 
I looked round, I was surrounded by water, cut off from the 
shore, I 

Lester. You stood upon the highest rock like a fright- 



32 A I/egal Pussle. 

ened sea naiad, waved your hands, cried for help. Charlie 
was passing, heard your cries, saw your signals of distress, 
grasped the situation, threw off his coat, plunged into the 
sea 

Hattie. He didn't, he took a boat. 

Lester. I see, new suit of clothes, swimming would have 
been more unselfish, / swam; anyhow, he rescued you and 
bore you moist but grateful to the shore. I know all about 
it. (Reproachfully) You may have forgotten but I had the 
good fortune to render you a similar service. 

Hattie. Oh, I remember, and it was awfully sweet of you, 
but you weren't as nice as Charlie, he was nicer than all the 
rest put together. 

Lester. Than all the — {Looking at her curiously) Say, 
how often have you been rescued from a watery grave? 

Hattie. Um — (Considering) Five or six times. 

Lester. Do you carry an insurance policy. 

Hattie (laughing). No — (A pause. She lays her hand 
on Lester's arm) Say, I like you. 

Lester. I am honored. 

Hattie. And I'll tell you a secret if you'll promise not to 
give me away. 

Lester. I promise. 

Hattie. I do it on purpose. 

Lester. What, get drowned — I mean try to get drowned? 

Hattie (nodding). Er — er — You see uncle isn't, well — 
isn't sociable, doesn't make friends, and leaves me alone; 
and at times I just yearn for someone to talk to, to take 
me around, to tease, and flirt and spoon with — and — then — 
well then I get rescued. 

Lester. And they won't have women in parliament! 
Miss Smythe, I congratulate you. You are a Napoleon in 
petticoats, I congratulate you. 

Hattie. And you aren't angry? 

Lester. Not a bit. I am lost in admiration. 

Hattie. I knew you were a good fellow, come and take a 
walk on the beach. (Jumping up and taking his arm) And 
you can be just as sweet to me as you know how. (Bell rings 
L. 2 E.) 

Lester. Do you think your unknown admirer would ap- 
prove of all this kissing and hugging and ■ 

Hattie. Oh, don't you worry, there'll be lots left for 
Charlie. [EXIT c. d. 



A I^egal Pussle. 33 

ENTER Waiter l. 3 e., comes down to door r. 2 e. and 

knocks. 

ENTER Barker R. 2 e., looks cautiously around and then 
speaks in a hoarse whisper. 

Barker. Mile. Pearl still confined to her room? 

Waiter. Yes, sir. 

Barker (jerking his thumb over his shoulder). Ou±* 
friend, where is he ? 

Waiter. Gone out, sir. 

Barker. And that confounded newspaper cad? 

Waiter. Gone out, sir. 

Barker. And that damned doctor? 

Waiter. Gone out too, sir. 

Barker. Then I'll go out myself and get a breath of fresh 
air, this confinement is telling on me. While I'm gone, 
keep your eyes open and report to me. Do your duty and 
you shall be rewarded. 

[EXIT c. Waiter watches him off and then crosses to door 
l. 2 e. and knocks. 

Pearl (inside). What is it? 

Waiter. They're all gone, m'am. 

Pearl (inside). All three? 

Waiter. Yes, m'am. 

Pearl (inside). Very well, then I'll come out, and get 
a little fresh air. (Waiter turns up to l. 3 e. and meets 
Mary, who ENTERS with a traveling bag in her hand.) 

Mary. Would you please show me to room No. 21. 

Waiter. Yes, m'am, right here. (Brings Mary down to 
room l. 1 E., takes key from her, opens door and places satchel 
inside.) 

Mary. Thank you. (Tipping him.) 

Waiter. Thank you, m'am. (Turns to go.) 

Mary (hesitating). Er — er — if you please, is Mr. Lester 
stopping here? 

Waiter. J. Lester, London Morning Times, m'am? 

Mary (puzzled). What? 

Waiter. Represents Morning Times, m'am, newspaper. 

Mary. Oh, I don't know, but I think it must be the same. 

Waiter. Did you want to see him, m'am? 

Mary. No — that is not at present. Is he in? 

Waiter. Not now, m'am, I think he went out for a stroll 
on the beach. 



34 A I/egal Pussle. 

Mary (making a start forward). Alone? 

Waiter {doubtfully). I think he went with Miss Van 
Smythe, m'am. 

Mary (indignantly). Who's she? 

Waiter Niece of old gent in No. 20, m'am, perhaps if 
you looked out you might see 'em. (Pointing c.) 

Mary. Thank you. (EXIT Waiter l. 3 e.) What right 
has Jack got to go walking with other girls? I don't go 
walking with other fellows, I never get the chance, but I 
wouldn't if I could. (Goes up c. and stands looking out) 
Oh, what a lovely view and what a lot of people. There is 
an old gentleman with a stick, looks just like papa, and — yes, 
there's Jack, walking with a girl, I think — (Shading her 
eyes with her hand) Oh, they're so far off I can't see them, 
I wish Jack — (Coming down stage sees Hattie's field- 
glass) What luck ! A field-glass — now I can satisfy myself. 
(Up c. again and looks through glass, gives a shght scream, 
drops glass and comes down c. crying) It is Jack, and she's 
taking his arm and he's holding her hand, and I'm sure he's 
squeezing it too. Oh, I know Jack's ways so well. (Sits on 
sofa c. and begins to sob. ENTER Pearl l. 2 E. in a 
wrapper with a book in her hand. A fresh handsome look' 
ing woman of about 38. She looks at sofa where Mary is 
crying, goes up to her and lays her hand on her shoulder.) 

Pearl. What are you crying for? 

Mary (starting and looking up). N — n — othing. 

Pearl. That means a man of course. 

Mary (surprised). How do you know ? 

Pearl. I'm young enough to remember when I was a fool 
myself. Don't you fret, he's not worth it, none of them are, 
not the best of them. 

Mary. I'm — I'm — so miserable. 

Pearl. I know, that's why I'm giving you good advice; 
you'll get over it. 

Mary. It's cruel of him, and it's not only Jack but papa, 
he's so cross and cranky. 

Pearl. He didn't take a broomstick to you, did he? 

Mary (astonished). N — no. 

Pearl. Mine did. You'll get over that too, 

Mary. But he went away without even telling me where 
he was going, and aunty's been mean and cross, and Jack's 
never written 

Pearl. Jack? That's the man? 



A I^egal "Puzzle. 35 

Mary. Yes, and so — so — I know it was very wrong but I 
came here to see him. 

Pearl. Is he here? 

Mary. Yes, — Mr. Lester. 

Pearl. What. The newspaper fellow? 

Mary. Something to do with the Morning Times I be- 
lieve. 

Pearl. That's the man. 

Mary. Do you know him? 

Pearl. No, and I don't want to. He's been annoying 
me for the last week, hanging round here and pestering me 
for an interview. 

Mary. An interview? 

Pearl. For his paper? 

Mary. May I ask who you are? 

Pearl. Certainly. Pearl Lorraine. 

Mary. The dancer? 

Pearl. Yes. (Mary stares at her open-mouthed) Bless 
the child, what are you staring at? Did you expect to see 
me in my make up with an accordion pleated skirt and pink 
silk stockings. No, thank you, I leave those behind me in 
the dressing room, I hope to leave them behind me altogether 
soon. You've given me your confidence, I'll give you mine. 
I'm going to be married. 

Mary. Married? (Interested) Oh, I'm so glad. Do 
you love him very much? 

Pearl. Oh, I don't know, he's a good sort — (Mary looks 
shocked) Don't look horrified. I got over the spoony stage 
long ago. We like each other, he respects me, and he's got 
money, isn't that enough? 

Mary. But you're rich, aren't you? 

Pearl. Well, I am at present, but in our profession we 
have to look to the future. When my back gets stiff and my 
legs rheumatic and I can't do the corkscrew kick any longer 
so I'll retire at the zenith of my fame as the newspapers 
say, and become domestic. 

Mary. You'll leave the stage! (Surprised) 

Pearl. Yes, he insists and I'm not sorry. I've had my 
day and I'll be glad of a little rest. I knew the Imperial 
wouldn't release me from my contract, and so I skipped and 
came down here, and a pretty hard time I've been having. 

Mary. How ? 

Pearl. Two of my many admirers found out where I 
was and followed me down, old fools, old enough to know 



36 A I^egal Vuzzle. 

better. They pester me with their attentions all day long, 
and as my intended is a trifle jealous and hasn't quite got 
over the popular idea that an actress is an irresponsible 
being, I've got to keep my room, pretend to be sick and send 
for the doctor, and he wants to make love to me. Oh, what 
idiots men are! 

Mary. Jack's worse than an idiot. 

Pearl. I'm glad you've found him out. 

Mary. He's deceived me, he's making love to another 
girl. 

Pearl. Just like 'em. 

Mary. I saw them on the beach together. He was squeez- 
ing her hand, I know he was, and — and I'm so miserable. 
(Sobbing.) 

Pearl. There, there, don't cry, you are tired. Go to your 
room and lie down and when you're rested come and talk to 
me, and we'll see if we can't bring him to his senses, that is 
if you want to, but take my advice and leave him alone. 

Mary. Thank you, I'll try and rest. (To door L. 1 E.) 
I don't know why you should be so good to me. 

[EXIT l. 1 e. 

Pearl. I'm sure I don't. Just like me to blurt out my 
whole family history to a stranger. I don't care, I like her 
and I'll help her if I can. (On sofa c.) Lord, how aston- 
ished she looked when I told her I was a dancer. (Laughs 
and curls herself up on sofa. Picks up book and begins to 
read.) 

ENTEK Lester c. from r. 

Lester. Well if my much rescued young friend isn't the 
coolest hand I ever met, trotting me back half a mile to 
fetch her field-glasses, which she left — somewhere — so de- 
lightful definite. (Comes down c, sees Pearl, who, becoming 
conscious of his presence, starts up. They face each other.) 

Lester. Pearl Lorraine. 

Pearl. Sir ! 

Lester. Don't deny it. I've seen you, and once seen 
never forgotten. You are the one and only Pearl Lorraine, 
the admired of three continents, who has appeared before all 
the crowned heads of Europe, the President of the United 
States and the elite of the Australian Colonies, whose cork- 
screw kick has become a household word — who 

Pearl. Sir, I have not the pleasure of your acquaintance, 
I am stopping at this hotel as a private individual 



A I/egal Pussle. 37 

Lester. You can't do it, your life is inextricably mixed 
up with the throbbing pulse of the public, the public who, 
for three days has been in throes of agonized anxiety over 
your mysterious disappearance from the Imperial, and in 
total ignorance of your whereabouts, and in the name of the 
public and incidentally in the name of the Morning Times 
which I have the honor to represent, I demand an answer. 

Pearl. You are impertinent. 

Lester. That's all right, I'll be anything in the cause 
of duty. 

Pearl. See here, young man, I've had enough of this. 
The breaking of my contract is a matter between myself and 
the management of the Imperial, you and the public have 
nothing to do with it. 

Lester. Now that's just where you're wrong. We'll pass 
on the public for the present. To me it is the matter of the 
greatest importance, an interview with you may place me 
upon the high road to fortune, just think of it, a few words 
from you, and I may become famous. I want only the 
merest facts, I'll fill in the details myself, that's what I'm 
here for. 

Pearl. And why should I show you any consideration? 

Lester. You ask that? You, who no doubt have had a 
hard struggle to reach the summit of prosperity on which 
you now stand, have you no sympathy with an aspiring youth 
starting on the race for fame? His hopes and ambitions, 
his wife and family 

Pearl. His what? You've no wife and family. 

Lester. Not at present, but I expect both shortly, and I 
wish to provide for them in advance. The girl I love - 

Pearl. Which of 'em? 

Lester. Eh % 

Pearl. I know more of you than you think and I don't 
approve of you. I wouldn't give you an interview if you 
were twice as aspiring and impertinent as you are. There! 
(She turns from him, Lester falls on his Jcnees and catches 
her by the shirt.) 

ENTEE Barker c. from r., comes down r., and stands look- 
ing at them. 

Lester. Stop one moment, if you don't think of me think 
of yourself. It's the chance of a lifetime. I'll give you an 
interview that'll boom your stock way up. The management 
will forgive all past delinquencies and raise your salary 



38 A X,egal Pufcfcle. 

$10,000. (Pearl tries to free herself. Lester seizes her 
hand) Dear Madam, listen to me. 

Barker (almost choking with rage). You — you — infernal 
young scoundrel, what are you doing? 

Lester (without turning). Asking for an interview. 

Barker. On your knees? 

Lester. On my head if it's necessary. Keep quiet, I'm 
busy. 

ENTER Dr. Sanford l. 3 e. and comes down l. 

Barker. Busy — busy! How dare you talk to me like 
that? Your engagement with my daughter is at an end. 
I've done with you. 

Dr. S. So have I. 

Lester. Ow ! 

Dr. S. After all I've said to you, after all the lessons I've 
inculcated, to take up with a beggarly newspaper, register 
yourself as representative of the Morning Times, and you 
told me you were coming to the country to work up a case. 

Lester. So I did — I'm working hard — and I've got an- 
other case. 

ENTER Mary l. 1 e, 

Dr. S. I don't believe you. 

Barker. All right, when I make my fortune, you'll be 
sorry. 

Mary. Oh, Jack! 

Lester (advancing to her). Mary dear. 

Barker. Don't you speak to him. (Mary shrinks from 
Lester and hides her face on Pearl's shoulder sohbing.) 

Lester. My dear girl, what is the matter? 

Mary. Oh, Jack, how could you be so cruel as to flirt with 
another girl? 

Lester. I haven't flirted with another girl. 

ENTER Van Smythe c. from r., comes down r. c. 

Mary. Yes you have, I saw you on the beach. 

Lester. What nonsense, you're mistaken, I haven't been 
on the 

Van S. Ah, Mr. Lester what have you done with Hattie, 
I saw you on the beach 

Lester. Oh, you be damned. 

Van S. I don't know where she is and I don't care. I've 
troubles of my own. 



A I/egal Puzzle. 39 

ENTER Jones l. u. e. comes down l. c. 

Jones. Oh, there you are. See here, Lester, I can't stand 
this, you've been away a deuce of a time running up an 
enormous hotel bill, and not one word of information with 
regard to Smith. 

Lester. My dear boy, it's not my fault. I've searched 
every nook and corner of Brighton with a dark lantern, and 
he's not here. 

Jones Nonsense! I heard he was stopping at this hotel, 
and — and — {Seeing Van S.) By Jove, there he is. 

Lester. That? Why that's Mr. Cyril Van Smythe. 

Jones. Nothing of the sort, he may call himself what he 
likes, but he's plain Cyrus Smith, a London Chandler. 

Van S. How dare you, sir! 

ENTER Hattie c, from r. 

Hattie. I say, Mr. Lester — {Seeing Jones) Charlie! 
{Rushes into his arms.) 

Lester. Eh? What? Smith, Jones, plaintiff — defendant — 
Great Heavens, I'm retained on both sides ! {Sinks helplessly 
on sofa c, Pearl and Mary behind sofa c, Hattie and 
Jones l., Barker and Sanford up r. c, Van S. r.) 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 



SCENE. — Lester's room in the Hotel at Brighton. Door 
r. c. in flat, door l. 2 e. Small writing-table with pen, 
ink and papers on it l. near front, waste-paper basket 
beside it. Settee r. c, chairs, etc., about the room. 
Curtain rises and DISCOVERS empty stage. Door r. 
c. opens and Lester ENTERS hurriedly. Shuts door 
with a bang, comes down to r. c. and throws himself 
upon settee. 

Lester. Phew! Talk about events of a lifetime crowded 
into a few brief moments, that last ten minutes was a record 
breaker. They came so fast you couldn't see 'em. Well, 
I'm in a nice mess, I've made enemies, estranged friends, 
lost the girl I love, and have to solve that difficult problem 
of, " How can one young man, minus uncle, minus money, 
minus prospects, live on the magnificent income of nothing a, 



40 A IVegal "Puzzle. 

year ? " At present I confess I feel like giving it up. I 
suppose I'd better get out of this anyway. (Rises and rings 
bell) in case my friends ( ?) down stairs remember any other 
terms of endearment that they would like to shower upon me. 
(Gets a valise from room l. 2 e and begins stuffing some 
clothes into it. Knock at d. r. c.) Come in. (ENTER 
Waiter) Waiter, bring me my bill, an important event calls 
me away, I must leave in an hour. 

Waiter. Any baggage, sir? 

Lester. No — that is, yes. 

Waiter. Where for, sir? 

Lester. I don't know. 

Waiter. Don't know, sir? 

Lester. I know where I want to go, but I don't know 
how to get there. 

Waiter. Isn't it on the railway, sir? 

Lester. It isn't on the map. (Waiter looks puzzled) I 
want Utopia, a place where there are no hotels, no beaches, 
no field-glasses, dancers, corkscrew kicks, doctors, journalists, 
flirts, or fools, a place where people tell the truth sometimes 
and live on unlimited credit. You don't know ? ( Waiter 
shakes his head doubtfully) Well, then get me a second class 
ticket for the first station the next train stops at and I'll 
leave the rest to Providence. 

Waiter (rather scared). Very well, sir. [EXIT d. r. c. 

Lester. That man thinks I'm crazy, well, he's not far 
wrong, — if I can't solve this infernal problem I'll soon be fit 
for a lunatic asylum. (Knock at d. r. c.) Come in. 
ENTER Barker d. r. c. followed by Mary) Why, my dear 
Captain. 

Barker. Don't talk to me, sir. 

Lester. But 

Barker. Don't talk to me I tell you ; I'm not here on my 
own account. If I had my will I'd not see you or speak to 
you again; but Mary's a fool, all women are. 

Lester. God bless them, their folly's better than our 
wisdom, Captain. 

Barker. I'm glad you think so, I don't. She wanted to 
see you again and cried and squalled so, that for peace sake 
I said I'd give you five minutes to say good-bye or any other 
tomfoolery. Eive minutes, mind; that's all; so you'd better 
make the most of it. (Sits chair r. and takes out his watch.) 

Mary. Jack! (She advances to him holding out her 
hands, Jack takes them and holds them for a moment as if 



A I,egal "Puzzle. 41 

ashamed to speak) They told me, dear, that I must go away 
from you and never see you again, but I couldn't — I don't 
understand it all 

Lester. Don't try to. I've acted to you like a fool and a 
blackguard, best do as they tell you and forget all about me, 
I'm not good enough for you. 

Mary. You mustn't say that, I love you and to a woman 
that means everything. I don't care what you've done, or 
what you've been, I love you and I can't give you up. 

Barker. Three minutes gone. 

Mary. I can't talk to you now but I'll come back and see 
you alone, and we'll fix it somehow. It must come right. 

Lester. It shall. If you stick to me I don't care for the 
rest. I'll show you I'm worth something. 

Barker. Four minutes gone. 

Lester. Good-bye for the present, dear, and God bless you. 
(Kisses her.) 

Mary. Dear Jack, (Clinging to him) I know you loved 
me. 

Barker (shutting his watch with a click). Time's up, 
Mary. (Mary joins him and they go up R. c.) And now, 
sir, I want you to understand, that it's all over between you 
and my daughter. If ever you see her or speak to her again, 
I — I'll — d n me, sir, I'll annihilate you. 

[EXIT D. r. c. with Mary, who turns and kisses her hand 
to Jack, takes a flower from her dress and throws it to 
him. 

Lester (picks up flower, kisses it and sits settee r. a). If 
there are any angels who can discount her I want to meet 
them, and I — well, I'm an idiot, pure and simple, and — oh, 
but this problem is getting more intricate than ever. How 
can one young man plus one young wife minus friends, 
uncle and money, continue to live on nothing? I can't give 
it up this time, for Mary's sake I've got to solve it. (Pauses 
as if thinking) By heaven that article, I've seen Pearl, I've 
spoken to her, those are the facts, if I can't weave fiction 
enough around them to make myself liar in chief to the 
Morning Times, may I die a bachelor. (Crosses l. sits down 
at table and begins to write furiously) It's an inspiration, I 
can see it all before me. Phew! What a chance for head 
liners. Black-faced type, inch and a quarter long. Sensa- 
tion in a seaside hotel. The Lost Pearl found. Pursued by 
Lovers. (Knock at d. r. c.) Come in. (ENTER Van 



4« A I/egal Pussle. 

Smythe, d. r. c.) How de do, Mr. Van Smythe? Sit down. 
Excuse my writing. I've an article I must finish to catch the 
afternoon mail. 

Van S. If I disturb you I will not intrude. 

Lester. Oh, don't go on my account, I shan't be long. 
(Writing furiously and reading as he writes) "Under con- 
tract to the management of the Imperial Music Hall." 

Van S. (looks puzzled). I have only a few words to say 
to you 

Lester. All right, fire away, I'm listening. (Writing) 
" One of our footlight favorites who " 

Van S. What did you say, sir? 

Lester. Nothing — nothing — I'm all attention. 

Van S. Sir, I am deeply pained by your conduct. 

Lester. You're not the first. (Writing) " The incognito 
remained intact until " 

Van S. What was that, sir? 

Lester. That was in a parenthesis, don't you mind it. 
You were saying? 

Van S. That I was deeply pained by your conduct. That 
you have fallen very low in my estimation. I didn't get a 
chance to express my opinion downstairs, that sea-faring 
individual 

Lester. Monopolized the conversation? It's a way he has, 
you'd get used to it in time. 

Van S. But now, sir, I tell you that I consider your con- 
duct, from the time of our first meeting, as characterized by 
deception. You won my confidence under false pretences, 
you trifled with the affections of my niece, you are totally 
unworthy of the friendship of 

Lester (writing). "A well known and wealthy citizen, 
not wholly unconnected with chandlery." 

Van S. What? (Furious) That is an insult I will not 
endure. But I'll make you repent this. Your confreres of 
the bar shall know of your illegal and unjustifiable con- 
duct. I'll ruin you, sir, I'll — (Up to d. r. c.) 

Lester. Don't go. You're an inspiration. I'll be through 
in ten minutes at this rate. (Knock at d. r. c.) Come in. 
(ENTEB Jones d. r. c. Aside) Another. (Aloud) Halloa, 
Charlie, glad to see you. Sit down. There are cigars on the 
mantel-piece. Have one. You paid for 'em. 

Jones. Mr. Lester, I am er — er 

Lester. Deeply pained by my conduct ? So's Van Smythe, 
you can shake hands on one point at all events. 



A I,egal Vuzzle. 43 

Jones. Van Smythe? I see nobody of that name here. 
If you refer to Mr. Cyrus Smith — 

Van S. Don't you dare to take liberties with my name. 

Jones. Take liberties? That's good. What have you 
done yourself? Haven't you 

Van S. I've no desire to listen to any remarks from you. 
I was quietly interviewing Mr. Lester on business, when you 
saw me enter, no doubt, and followed me. 

Jones. Nothing of the sort, sir, if I had known you were 
here I should certainly have postponed my visit. 

Van S. I don't believe you, sir. 

Jones. Don't you go too far, Smith. 

Lester. Say, can't you finish it in the corridor? It's 
confusing and I haven't got time to referee. 

Van S. Sir, this flippancy is ill-timed. 

Jones (crossing l.). Don't think because I'm good 
natured, you can carry things with a high hand. I won't 
stand it. I'll sue for money obtained under false pre- 
tences 

Lester. There's nothing to prevent you suing. 

Jones. I don't care for the money. 

Lester. I'm glad to hear it. If you are only suing on 
principle it's all right. 

Jones. But I will punish you for the wrong done me. 
A wrong a man never forgives. 

Lester. What the devil are you talking about now? 

Jones. You have tampered with the affections of the girl 
I love, you have tried to turn her from me. 

Lester. Do you allude to Mr. Van Smythe's much rescued 
niece ? 

Jones. Van Smythe! Hattie! Van Smythe's niece? 

Van S. Yes sir, she is my niece, and don't you dare 
to pay your addresses to her, don't you dare to dream of it. 
What right have you 

Jones. The right fate gave me. I saved her from a 
watery grave. 

Lester. Don't let that worry you. Fate's giving out 
wholesale contracts. There are others — several others. 

Jones. Not with my claims. She told me that she loved 
me. 

Van S. I don't care what she told you, she's under age, 
she's my ward, and I forbid you to see her. 

Jones. I will take my dismissal from none but Hattie 
herself, by Jove. (Crosses r.) 



44 A Xegal Puzzle. 

Lester. That's right, Jones, faint heart never won fair 
lady, you're a man of spirit. 

Van S. Don't you interfere, sir. ((To Jones) I forbid 
you to see her. 

Jones. I refuse to recognize your authority. I believe 
you are in connivance with that man, (Pointing at Lester) 
to rob me of her. 

Lester. My dear boy, you're entirely mistaken. I 
wouldn't have your Hattie at any price. She's a dear little 
girl but she's too rapid for my taste. Extremes meet, she'd 
just suit you. 

. Van S. (crossing to Lester). How dare you interfere, 
sir ? She's my niece and he shan't have her. 

Lester. Don't you be too sure; I think you underage 
Charlie's powers. It takes him some time to make up his 
mind, but he's a devil when he gets started. 

ENTEK Dr. Sanford d. r. c. 

Dr. S. Mr. Lester — (Stops on seeing Van S. and Jones.) 

Lester. Halloa, Uncle. 

Dr. S. I thought you were alone. 

Lester. Oh, don't mind them, they're not strangers. 

Dr. S. To your disgraceful conduct? I am sorry to say 
they are not. 

Lester (writing). "The fair Thespian appeared to be 
suffering from a slight indisposition." Go ahead, uncle, 
I'm listening. (Dr. S. looks puzzled.) 

Dr. S. I was afraid I might have bee . hasty downstairs, 
so I retired to my room to think the matter over. 

Lester. That's right, second thoughts are always best. 

Dr. S. In this case mine remained unaltered. You have 
had your last chance as far as I am concerned, in future I 
must request that we meet as strangers, in short, that you 
have nothing more to do with 

Lester (writing) . "A well-known physician with a large 
and lucrative practice." 

Dr. S. What's that, sir? 

Lester. Nothing. It's all right, uncle, I suppose I 
haven't done just as I ought or made a proper return for all 
your kindness, and I'm sorry, but when you ride with too 
tight a curb the horse is apt to kick. I'd have gone better 
with a softer bit. 

Dr. S. Remember, I'll pay your debts no more. 

Lester. Then I'll pay them myself. 



A I/egal Vuzzle. 45 

Br. S. You! 

Lester. Yes. " Variety's the very spice of life." 

Jones. You'll need a fortune before I get through with 

you. 

Van S. I've a great mind to institute proceedings for a 
breach of promise. (To Dr. S.) Excuse my plain speaking, 
sir, but your nephew is a scoundrel. 

Lester. Tell him something he doesn't know. 

Dr. S. I am deeply pained by his conduct. 

Van S. No wonder, sir, he's a libertine. 

Jones. A deceiver. 

Van S. A Don Juan. 

Jones. A false friend. 

Lester. See here, gentlemen, I've had enough of this, 
you've formed your opinions of me and you've expressed 
them with a force and candor that does you credit, repetition 
becomes monotonous. (Crossing up to d. r. o. and opening 
it) And there are moments when one longs to be alone. 
Good day. (Dr. S., Van S. and Jones stand looking at one 
another in astonishment, then Dr. S. crosses up to d. r. c.) 

Dr. S. Sir, you are a reprobate and I've done with you. 

[EXIT d. r. c. 

Lester. I think you said that before. 

Van S. (up to d. r. c.) Sir, you shall hear from me again. 

[EXIT d. r. c. 

Lester. Delighted. 

Jones (goes outside d. r. c. and then turns). Deceiver, 

you shall (Lester slams door in his face. He comes 

down to table l.) Thank heaven. Let's see, where was I? 
Ah ! " Age seems to be no bar to the conquests of the fair 
Pearl, it is not only the youthful devotees of the stage door 
who worship at her shrine, but elderly gentlemen who are 
supposed to have laid aside the frivolities of youth." (As 
he is writing this sentence, a knock at d. r. c, to which he 
pays no attention, then another, and finally a third, very 
loud. He looks up angrily, picks up a ruler and stands as if 
ready to throw it. Knock repeated) Come in. (Lester 
poises ruler. ENTER Pearl, d. r. c. Lester smiles foolishly 
and puts ruler behind him) Er — Good morning, Mile. Lor- 
raine, won't you sit down? (Motions to seat. Pearl pays 
no attention to him, but marches down to table l. and points 
to papers on it.) 

Pearl. Mr. Lester, is that your report of to-day's events 
for the Morning Times? 



46 A I/egal Vuzzle, 

Lester. It is. 

Pearl. It must not be sent. 

Lester. I beg your pardon? 

Peatl. I said it must not be sent. 

Lester. I beg your pardon? 

Pearl. I said it must not be sent. 

Lester. I am sorry to differ with you, but 

Pearl. You have no right to drag my private affairs be- 
fore the public; and if you have one spark of gentlemanly 
feeling in you, you will suppress that report. 

Lester. My dear lady, aren't you mounting an unneces- 
sarily high horse? Events which take place in the public 
sitting room of an hotel can scarcely be called private. 

Pearl. And whose fault is it that thej took place there? 
Yours and those two old fools. Come, Mr. Lester, be fair. 
How would you like the name of the girl you love dragged 
into the newspapers and the unwelcome attentions that 
idiots force upon her made the jest of its readers? And yet 
that is what you design to do for me. Why? Because I am 
an actress, a dancer. Oh, it's a shame — -a shame. (Throws 
herself upon settee c. and passes her handkerchief across her 
face.) 

Lester. Really, Mile. Lorraine — I 

Pearl. Look here, Mr. Lester, this means a great deal to 
me, more than you think, perhaps. You spoke a little while 
ago of the struggles and hardships I must have endured be- 
fore I made my hit. You were right, my life has been a hard 
one. I've seen the seamy side more than most, and now 
that I'm at the top of the ladder, what is it ? A slip, an acci- 
dent, a sudden illness, and the people who have praised and 
applauded would forget me in a month. I am sick of the 
life and I've a chance to quit it. I am engaged to a man 
who loves and respects me, but who holds a narrow-minded 
view of the stage, who is jealous and touchy. If this gets 
into the papers it will ruin my chance. There, you know all. 
I do not appeal, I do not threaten, I simply ask you, as a 
gentleman, will you send that report? (Long pause. Then 
Lester tears up paper and throws it into waste-paper basket) 
Thank you. 

Lester. Don't mention it. In tearing up that paper, I 
have probably torn up my one chance of success, but that is 
a trifling detail which will not interest you. 

Pearl. What do you mean? 

Lester. That I have wasted ten days in trying to inter- 



A I^egal "Puzzle. 47 

view you and failed, so my career as a correspondent has 
come to an untimely end. 

Pearl. But you are not a correspondent by profession, but 
a lawyer. Have you no clients? 

Lester. Two. 

Pearl. That's something. 

Lester. Just one too many. 

Pearl. Why? 

Lester. Because unfortunately, the law does not allow 
one man to defend and prosecute in the same case, and that 
is what they want me to do. 

Pearl. Nonsense. 

Lester. Fact. 

Pearl. I don't understand. 

Lester. Don't try to. It's a legal puzzle that the non- 
legal mind can scarcely grasp. However, I am afraid that 
the result, when worked out on a strictly logical basis, is only 
too plain. My career as a lawyer has also come to an un- 
timely end. 

Pearl. Then what are you going to do? 

Lester. I pass. Come to an untimely end myself I sup- 
pose. No, I won't either. By heaven, an inspiration, that 
article, {Pulling paper from waste-paper hashet) shall make 
my fortune after all. 

Pearl {agitated). You're not going to send it? 

Lester. No, but I'm going to threaten. There are others 
besides yourself who wish to avoid publicity. What a fool 
I was not to think of it before. I have done you a favor. 
Will you do me one in return? 

Pearl. If I can. 

Lester. Then write to Captain Barker, Dr. Sanford and 
Van Smythe, annoymously, or not, as you like, and tell them 
about this article. {Pointing to paper) Portray it in lurid 
colors, think of your own wrongs at their hands, and let that 
inspire your pen. Tell them that their names will appear in 
the Morning Times, in black-faced type, an inch and a quar- 
ter long, and all London shall ring with the misadventures of 
three superannuated Lotharios. 

Pearl. And what will be the result? 

Lester. In ten minutes they will be here on their knees 
willing to come to any terms I offer. 

Pearl. You think so? 

Lester. I'm sure of it. Men of that sort like to indulge 



48 A I^egal Puzzle, 

in the follies of youth, but they don't like the world to know 
about it. They are at my mercy. 

Pearl. Very well, I'll help you to punish them for I think 
they deserve it. (Up to d. r. c, pauses a moment and then 
comes bach) Mr. Lester, you've acted as a friend to me and 
I thank you. I don't suppose we shall see much more of each 
other, our paths in life aren't likely to cross again, so I'll 
say good-bye. (Holds out her hand, Lester takes it) and — 
(makes rather an awkward pause) will you take a word of 
advice from one who is older than you are and has perhaps 
seen a little more of the world? 

Lester. Yes. 

Pearl. You are not a bad fellow in the main, but you're 
careless, thoughtless, and a trifle selfish, but with all your 
faults, you've won a good woman's love; in the future think 
a little more of her and a little less of yourself. Such love 
is a very precious thing; keep it if you can. 

[EXIT slowly Pearl d. r. o. 

Lester (slowly, looking after her). She's right. Jack 
Lester, you prided yourself on being a very clever fellow, 
and all the while you were little better than a fool. You 
had a treasure given to you and you scarcely thought it 
worth guarding till you had almost lost it. {Sits, as if think- 
ing, on settee c.) 

Hattie (off r. a). Mr. Lester, Mr. Lester! 

Lester. Now, what the devil does she want? 

Hattie (off r. a). Mr. Lester, Mr. Lester, let me in. 

Lester (opening d. r. a). For heaven's sake, what's the 
matter ? 

ENTEK Hattie. 

Hattie. I want to see you. 

Lester. Well, you needn't let the whole hotel know it. 

Hattie (tragically). I don't care if the whole world 
knows it. 

Lester. It's very good of you, but think of me. 

Hattie. I don't care what I do, or what I say, or what be- 
comes of me. 

Lester. You're getting reckless. 

Hattie. I'm a wretched, miserable girl. 

Lester. What has Charlie been doing? 

Hattie. Everything. 

Lester. Well, he couldn't do more. 

Hattie. He says I am a heartless flirt and a coquette. 



A I,egal Puzzle. 49 

Lester. Keally ? 

Hattie. And that we are to part forever. 

Lester. Don't you believe it. Charlie's only bluffing. 
With your varied experience of rescuers you ought to know 
that. 

Hattie. He says that I no longer love him, that you have 
stolen me from him. 

Lester. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I've 
troubles enough without that. 

Hattie (indignantly). Mr. Lester! 

Lester. Well, you don't want me to love you do you? 

Hattie. Of course not. 

Lester. Then don't speak in that injured tone of voice. 
You women never know what you want. 

Hattie. I do. I don't want you to love me but I want you 
to help me. 

Lester. How ? 

Hattie. Go and explain things to Charlie. 

Lester. I've tried to, but the explanation didn't seem 
satisfactory. He and your uncle are the most unreasonable 
men I ever met. 

Hattie. Oh, uncle's a fool. 

Lester. I agree with you, but Charlie runs him a close 
second. 

Hattie. He doesn't. Charlie's not a fool, he's in love. 

Lester. Same thing. 

Hattie. Will you let me speak? 

Lester. Certainly. You'd do it anyway. 

Hattie. Charlie likes you. 

Lester, He's an adept at concealing his feelings. 

Hattie. Nonsense, he's a bit jealous, that's all. But if 
you go to him and tell him it was a mistake, and you don't 
love me and I don't love yQu, and we were just having some 
fun and nothing more meant, he'll believe you, because he 
wants to, and then you go to uncle and tell him he can never 
get the property back. (A knock at d. r. c, which they do 
not heed) Make it all plain to him in your clever legal way, 
and tell him the best thing he can do is to let Charlie marry 
me, and amalgamate the estates or whatever the proper 
term is, and then, then, we'll all be so happy. (Pauses out 
of breath.) 

Lester. Anything else? 

Hattie. No, I guess that's all, only next to Charlie I'll 
love you better than anyone in the world. (Flings her arms 



j$0 A £egal Pufcfcle. 

round his neck and kisses him, just as Mary ENTERS d.r.C. 
She sees them and pauses.) 

Mary. Jack ! 

Lester. Oh Lord! 

Mary. What does this mean, what are you 

Lester. The victim of circumstances. 

Mary. Do you call that a circumstance? (Pointing to 
Hattie.) 

Lester. Yes, — (Aside) And a d — d awkward one too. 
(To Hattie) Say, break away will you. 

Mary. Pray do not disturb yourself on my account. I 
came here, Mr. Lester, to tell you that I would keep our 
engagement, that, in spite of father or friends I was willing 
to cast in my lot with yours, and endure what hardships 
life might have in store for us, together, (Turns as if to go) 
but now 

Lester (getting between her and the door. Hattie on 
lounge a). Now you'll just stop and tell it to me all over 
again. 

Mary. After what I've seen ? 

Lester. Yes. You've stood by me in real troubles, for- 
given me real follies, don't let a mistake part us now. Miss 
Van Smythe doesn't care a scrap for me and I don't care a 
scrap for her. She was only pleading for herself and her 
lover. 

Hattie. Yes, that was all. 

Mary. Was it necessary to do so with her arms round 
your neck? 

Lester. It's a matter of opinion, I don't think so, she 
does. However, that's a mere detail. 

Mary. I do not see it in that light. 

Lester. No, but you will. Miss Van Smythe, will you 
do me the favor to retire into the next room for a few mo- 
ments. (Pointing l.) 

Hattie. But you haven't told me 

Lester (aside to her in a low voice). If you don't go at 
once I'll tell Charlie I want to marry you myself, and ad- 
vise your uncle to hang on to that property like a bulldog. 
Now! (Pointing l. Hattie looks into his face, carries 
her eyes along his arm and EXIT hastily d. l. Lester 
stands c, Mary with her back towards him L. c. A pause) 
Mary. (She still keeps turned from him. He takes her hand 
and leads her to lounge c. They sit) I want you to listen 



A X,egal Vuzzte. 5* 

to me and believe me, not because I deserve it, but because 
you love me. 

Mary. Well? 

Lester. When you first gave me your love, I didn't realize 
what a precious thing it was. Manlike I took it almost as 
my right, but now I know how true and strong it is, I've 
learned a lesson and I'll profit by it. Love me a little still, 
dear, trust me again, and I'll try and be worthy of you. 

Mary. Ah, Jack! Are you quite sure of yourself? Isn't 
this only a twinge of conscience, that will pass away to-mor- 
row? Think well before you answer, and remember what it 
means to both of us. 

Lester. Perhaps what you say is true, perhaps it is too 
late, and after all I haven't the right to ask you, I have 
nothing to offer 

Mary. It isn't that, Jack. When a woman loves she 
doesn't stop to count the cost, she only asks for one thing, 
but she wants to be very sure of it, she wants to be loved in 
return. 

Lester. And if I say I love you with all my heart and 
soul, will you believe me? 

Mary. Jack! (Holding out her arms. Lester takes her 
in his arms and hisses her. Knock at d. r. c.) 

Barker (outside). Open the door, open the door, you in- 
fernal young scoundrel. (Violent knocking.) 

Mary. It's papa. 

Lester. Quick; join Hattie in that room. 

Mary. Why, Jack, I'm not ashamed to be here. 

Lester. I know that but I must speak to your father 
alone, I'll call you in a few minutes. (EXIT Mary d. l. 
Lester goes to d. r. c. and opens it. ENTER Barker with 
a letter in his hand) How are you, Captain, to what do I 
owe the pleasure of this visit? Sit down. 

Barker (down a). Don't talk like that to me, sir, don't 
try to come any of your hypocritical, smug-faced politeness 
with me. It don't go, sir, it don't go. I know you, sir. 

Lester (r. a). Really, I'm glad to find that my motives 
are understood and appreciated. 

Barker. Stop it, sir, stop it. (Crossing R.) Don't you 
go too far, don't drive me to a personal violence for which 
I shall be sorry. 

Lester. But, my dear Captain, what is the trouble, I 
thought we settled all our little differences some time back 
and agreed to meet as strangers. I'm in the dark. 



52 A 1/egal Puzzle. 

Barker. Then I'll enlighten you. Are you or are you 
not correspondent for the Morning Times? 

Lester. I am. 

Barker. Do you, or do you not, intend sending in an 
article to that paper on Mile. Pearl Lorraine, and (Glancing 
at letter) her elderly admirers? 

Lester. I do. 

Barker. I knew if, I knew it. And you ask what the 
matter is? Young man, that article shall leave this hotel 
only over my dead body. I will not be dragged before the 
public as (Glancing at letter) a superannuated Lothario. 

Lester. Then you should not act like one. 

Barker (changing his tone). Mr. Lester, would you bring 
dishonor on the father of the woman you love? 

Lester. But that's all over now, you told me never to 
speak to her, never to think of her again. 

Barker. But have you no tender memories of the past? 

Lester. Not when they interfere with business. 

Barker (groans). Oh! 

ENTER Dr. Sanford d. r. c, with a letter. 

Dr. S. Nephew, nephew, is this true? 

Lester. Is what true? 

Dr. S. This letter which I have just received from a 
friend, and which tells me that you are going to drag my 
name before the public in connection with a low theatrical 
scandal. 

Lester. I am going to send to the Morning Times an 
account of the adventures of Mile. Pearl and her devotees, 
if that is what you mean. 

Dr. S. But it will ruin me, ruin my practice. Nephew, 
nephew, this is shameful, think of all I've done for you. 

Lester. But you're not going to do anything more. I 
can't live on gratitude, I've my own debts to pay, my own 
way to make and this article is to be the keystone to my 
success. 

Dr. S. You decline to withhold it? 

Lester. I do. 

Dr. S. (down to Captain Barker r.). Oh, Captain, Cap- 
tain. 

Barker. Oh, Doctor, Doctor! 

ENTER Van Smythe d. r. c, with a letter. 
Van S. Mr. Lester, Mr. Lester, this is infamous, I won't 



A Xeg&l Vuzzle. 53 

have it, I'll stop it. I'll take action for defamation of 
character. 

Lester. And the paper comes out to-morrow morning. 

Van S. So, you know what I'm talking about? 

Lester. Well, I presume you are in the same boat as 
these gentlemen and object to the publicity of a newspaper 
article. 

Van S. I do. If I spoke harshly just now, I apologize. 
Think of my respectable business friends, think of my inno- 
cent niece, and have pity. 

Lester. You ought to have thought of these things before, 
it's too late now. 

Van S. Mr. Lester, if that article goes in I'll find some 
means to make you smart for it. 

Dr. S. So will I. Publish that article and you'll take the 
consequences. 

Barker. Damn me, sir, if you put me in print there'll be 
murder. 

Lester. Gentlemen, as a representative of the free and 
enlightened British Press I refuse to be muzzled. 

Barker V 

Dr. S. ?■ (looking at each other). Oh! (They all turn 

Van S. ) 
and begin walking up and down the stage.) 

Lester. But, perhaps, if we sat down and talked the mat- 
ter over calmly and dispassionately, we might come to some 
agreement. (All sit. Barker r., Dr. S. l., Lester c, Van 
S. r. c.) 

Lester. Captain Barker, if I consent to do violence to 
my feelings, as a man and a journalist, and suppress that 
article, will you again give consent to my engagement with 
your daughter? 

Barker. I, sir? No sir. I refuse. (Choking with rage.) 

Lester. All right, the report goes. 

Barker. Stop. If she's fool enough to marry you, I 
won't prevent her. Take her and be d — d. 

Lester. Thank you. Mr. Van Smythe, will you forego all 
absurd ideas of breach of promise suits, and such like non- 
sense, consent to the marriage of your niece Hattie with 
Mr. .Tones and settle your differences with that gentleman 
on a strictly amicable basis, on lines suggested by your legal 
adviser ? 

Van S. Who's that? (Lester bows. Rising) Never, sir. 



54 A Xegal Puzzle. 

I refuse to be dictated to by you or any other jackanapes 
like you. (Goes up c, Barker and Dr. S. rush after him, 
seize him and bring him back a, Barker r., Dr. S. l.) 

Lester. Very well, I'll ring for the waiter and mail that 
letter. 

Dr. S. Mr. Van Smythe, for heaven's sake consent. 
Think of our feelings if you don't think of your own. 

Barker. You pig-headed landlubber, do you want to see 
your name in the public prints ? 

Dr. S. Black-faced type. 

Barker. Inch and a quarter long. 

Dr. S. Superannuated Lotharios. 

Barker. Antiquated Don Juans. 

Both. Oh! (Groan.) 

Van S. (after a moment's consideration). Very well, I 
consent. 

Lester. Thank you. Dr. Sanford, will you once more 
give me a little temporary pecuniary assistance, which I 
guarantee to refund, and henceforth let me chose my own 
walk in life. And — ■ — 

Dr. S. And go to the devil your own way? Yes. 

Lester. Thank you. It's a bargain. 

ENTEK Jones d. r. c, very excited. 

Jones. Mr. Lester, I demand satisfaction. 

Lester. Why certainly. What's the trouble? 

Jones. You are trifling with the affections of the girl I 
love, and if her natural guardian, (Looking at Van S.) can- 
not protect her, I will. 

Van S. What do you mean, you 

Lester. Keep cool, keep cool, remember your promise. 

Van S. Well, what do you mean? 

Jones. That your niece entered this room, half an hour 
ago, I have watched the corridor outside and she has never 
left it. She is concealed here somewhere and I demand 
that he give her up. 

Van S. Nonsense, I'm sure she isn't here. 

Jones. She is. 

Barker. Haven't seen a glimpse of a petticoat since I 
came in. 

Dr. S. I think you are mistaken. 

Jones. I'm not. (sees d. l.) Ha ! (Makes a rush towards 
it.) 

Lester (stopping him). What's the matter now? 



A Xegal Pussle. 55 

Jones. Let me pass, there is a lady in that room. 

Lester. Certainly, there are two. 

All. What? 

Lester. Allow me. (Up to door l. and brings out Mary 
and Hattie. Hattie r., Mary l.) 

Van S. My niece! 

Barker. My daughter! Well, I'll be damned. 

Lester. I wouldn't jump to hasty conclusions. We'll 
hope for the best. 

Dr. S. But, sir, this is an outrage on all propriety. 

Lester. Not at all; the ladies are my clients, they were 
consulting me professionally when you interrupted us. 

Jones. Clients? I hope they pay you good fees. 

Lester. Enormous. When you are married to Hattie, I'll 
send in my bill, as for Mary, she's going to give me the most 
precious fee a lawyer ever had, herself. (Kisses her.) 

Hattie (going up to Charlie and coaxing him). It's all 
right, Charlie dear, Mr. Lester's fixed it. Haven't you, Mr. 
Lester? (Lester bows) And you ought to be very grateful 
to him. You're to keep the property and I'm to keep you. . 

Jones. But I — I — don't understand. 

Lester. Don't try to, my boy, it's beyond you. 

Dr. S. Excuse me a moment, we've forgotten one thing, 
Mile. Pearl. 

Lester. What about her ? 

Dr. S. Perhaps she may send an account of our little 
difficulties to the paper. That sort of person is so fond of 
notoriety. 

Barker. Quite right, sir, those infernal play-actors al- 
ways want to see themselves in print. 

Lester. I think I can answer for Mile. Pearl's silence, 
however, we'll make sure (Rings bell) and get her promise. 
(ENTER waiter d. r. c.) My compliments to Mile. Pearl 
and ask her to step here for a few moments. [EXIT waiter. 

Dr. S. You can't be too careful in these cases. 

Van S. Very true, an ounce of prevention is better than a 
pound of cure. 

ENTER Pearl d. r. c. 

Lester. Excuse me for troubling you, Mile. Pearl, but 
events have taken place in this hotel, which every one here 
is anxious to keep from publicity. As a friend will you 
promise me that you will not communicate them to the news- 
papers or use them for purposes of advertisement ? 



56 A Legal Puzzle. 

P&ari istonished) . 

Lester I aside to I b . It's a bluff. Keep it up, rub it in. 

Pearl. Oh! — Well, it is rather hard that after suffering 
so much persecution and inconvenience I should be debarred 
from leaping some benefit from it. Why should I consider 
the feelings of these gentlemen \ They have treated me very 
badly. 

> Madam, we apologize. 

) 

C ertamly we 




Shut op, Charlie, you're not in this. 

Bui I — (JBdma ::;_": hand over his mouth). 
Mass :: vg up to Pearl). I don't quite understand it 
all, Mile. Pearl, but won't you let bye-gones be bye-gones, 

I-riSf. 

Pbahg bH, my dear, for your sake I will. I'll forgive 

them all and never speak of them again. 

BaREE?.. ) 

Vah S. > Thank you. madam. 

D?.. S. ) 

Pearl [aside to Lester). What hypocrites we are. 

Iohesl Er — ladies and ..rritlemen, excuse me, I don't wish 
to repeat myself, but I ;:: .".'': anderstand 

Ejesibb. Of course you don't, the untrained intellect can- 
not grapple with the minute and intricate details of the law. 
But whenever you wan* ? iviee :ome to me. Pm doing busi- 
ness at the old -mud with a new partner (Putting feu arm 
round Mary) and I hope all my friends will give me their 
patronage, remembering that it takes a legal mind to solve a 

L-ga: ?-:-:-. 

Z - ?axt-jBi i .Lester i \: : Mart c, Hattte and Jones r. c, 
Tab S::ttez and Babkeb r. 



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